


Beam of Light

by Useless_girl



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Adommy - Fandom, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Bi-Curiosity, Falling In Love, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Love, M/M, Romance, Slash, Soulmates, Supernatural Elements, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 06:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1335088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useless_girl/pseuds/Useless_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has a dark and a light side, but some experience it differently.<br/>What happens when both of Adam's sides wants the very same thing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beam of Light

**Author's Note:**

> My first try of an Adommy fanfiction inspired by some roleplayer friends, fanfictions I’ve read but most of all the Trespassing bonus track “Map” (quotations are obviously from that song). I’m sure it’ll get better, lol. Enjoy. Comments are always welcomed.

  
_Full size[ **here**](http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/077/a/f/beam_of_light_by_useless_girl-d7aqiu9.jpg)_

**Beam of Light**

 

_“The dawn is bright and_  
 _My perception is open wide_  
 _You know you flooded my senses_  
 _What you inspire is a feeling I can't describe_  
 _Forgotten all my defenses…”_

 

He didn’t remember when he’d realized that he wasn’t alone – when it had started. Probably he has never been alone, his eyes were just too blind to realize that the shadow in him was there. Watching. Lurking. Waiting. And getting stronger. Feeding off on his insecurities, fears, failures, suppressed desires. And he had plenty of those. Always being the different one, the freak – never completely fitting in. Always needing to be in the spotlight, to have everyone’s attention. Maybe it was to feed the beast too. Adam wasn’t completely sure. He was never sure about anything regarding that dark demanding side that was dormant most of the time, but always present. Lingering over his thoughts, making Adam feel as if he was constantly being watched. And as later turned out he was right about that.

Things got more confusing and messed up when he hit puberty and he realized without a doubt that he was gay. Always wanting the pretty boys he could never get. His self-esteem low. Could anyone blame him for that? A ginger, freckled and chubby kid who was also dreaming of cock. Not someone who’d be popular among the cool boys he had his insecure eyes on. Maybe joining the drama club was running from those failures and gaining more confidence and recognition. Because he was talented. He knew there was more in him than what met the eye. He had a gift like no one else – his voice. So unique, so expressive – that was clear from the very beginning to everyone. So he pursued his dream to play and sing, often getting confidence from that strange dark corner of his mind that he became aware of more and more.

By the time he got into _American Idol_ he’s been through a couple of years of struggling with himself. He had disturbing dreams about a shadow-like black creature that resembled a big wolf with glowing eyes. It haunted his dreams and forced Adam to work more and sleep less – until exhaustion kicked in and he had to take out a few days to come in terms with himself and rest. Even if it meant he’d see that creature in his dreams. He had to face his fears, he had to face himself. It was easier said than done, of course. But he stopped running and opened his eyes. He faced the creature living inside of him. He picked up meditation to a friend’s advise and it seemed to help calming his nerves and getting to know himself better – and of course made it easier to “meet” with that shapeless dark side, which sometimes appeared to him as that wolf from his dreams, but sometimes as himself with yellow eyes and a piercing stare that could see through him with ease.

After getting through the phases of fear, denial, self-pity and self-hate he accepted the inevitable – he had to live together with this shadow. There was no way to get rid of him. And maybe there was a reason why he had it inside. They kind of came to an agreement – not that they could communicate with actual words. No, those “conversations” with the beast were more like exchanging impressions. Adam cut some slack to this mysterious shadow, feeding him with all kinds of emotions and providing him some freedom too when he was on stage or in the bedroom where the singer developed a dominant persona, through which this shadow self could play too. His lovers loved that once he was confident enough to show them his dom side. But he never gave full control to the shadow – and despite the smaller attempts of the beast to change that Adam could handle things.

He had to admit that his Other self helped him a lot during the years. He gave him strength when he was so nervous backstage that he nearly threw up. Or when he wasn’t so sure about trying himself out in _American Idol_. Occasionally even with getting the boy Adam wanted but was too insecure to make the first step. The prize he had to pay for all that help in return wasn’t that bad, was it?

Of course he had darker periods when he hated the shadow and himself or couldn’t understand the urges he felt because of it, but all in all he appeared confident and balanced to the outside world, even when the pressure in _American Idol_ grew, threatening with breaking the contestants. But Adam was protected, he stayed focused on his goal, he stayed grounded and calm with his eyes on the prize. It was of course winning the competition, but being acknowledged, showing his talent to the world and getting fans were much more important to him. And success and fame became his relatively quickly. The _Idol_ tour that followed the competition strengthened Adam and he didn’t really care about what the tabloids wrote about his sexuality. He never hid it since he came out to his parents, but never advertised it either. He was a discreet person when it came to his relationships. It wasn’t anyone’s business anyway. But he tried to prepare himself that a lot of times he’d be judged by that and not by his talent. Even so sometimes it was hard. However, it didn’t matter for those who respected and loved him for his talent. So he was pretty satisfied with what he and the shadow self had achieved.

 

_“You were a beam of light_  
 _Lit up my broken sky_  
 _There was just something about you, ooh_  
 _I had a vision and you painted the world for me_  
 _And now I'm staying beside you…”_

But everything changed when _he_ came along on that audition. No, it wasn’t love at first sight. Nothing that sloppy as fans tended to imagine. It was about vibes. Good vibes, to be more exact. There was something in that small blond man that caught Adam’s attention the minute he entered the room in his dark clothes and creeper shoes. By that time he learned to trust his instincts and the reaction of his body was telltale with his hair standing up on his nape, the skin tingling there warmly as both his and the shadow’s full attention was focused on the guy who introduced himself as Tommy. He was glad that Tommy proved to be a great guitarist even if he could only get a job and contract as a bassist at that time. It sometimes still amazed Adam how quickly they became close and then best friends. They were just so similar and different at the same time. Real soulmates. He had no doubt about that.

However, after a while being just friends became not enough for Adam. Especially after those staged kisses shared during the shows and when they were fooling around off-stage on parties or private gatherings. The singer knew that what was happening on stage was for the show, to tease the fans and give ground for speculations and countless fanfictions, photo edits and drawings for the more creative fans. Sometimes they checked those and found pretty good ones, but that was it. Talking about them and laughing them off. Or at least that’s what Adam pretended. He didn’t know exactly when things have changed for him. When he’d started looking at Tommy differently – or did he look at him like that from the beginning without admitting it to himself? He knew one thing: both of his sides liked… no, loved Tommy for what he was. A beam of light in his dark and twisted world where that shadow self’s been his only companion until the pretty blond came along.

Sometimes he caught glimpses, smiles, touches from him that could be interpreted differently, but Adam tried not to think too much about it – despite the fact that his dreams and senses were full of Tommy. Whenever the other man appeared Adam was focused on him, trying to mask that fact as best as he could. But it was hard sometimes. Especially when some alcohol or other substances were involved. Then he had to be very careful. Tommy told him at the very beginning that he was heterosexual and Adam respected the fact, he never tried to force himself on him, they were just fooling around. But such games can be dangerous, particularly when two people are as close as Adam and Tommy. And Adam felt as if he stepped over an invisible line and realized that he was falling for Tommy. Head over heels.

He tried to suppress it despite the disapproval of his other side. He had a few boyfriends – somewhere resembling the blond guitarist – along the way, but none lasted at the end. The singer couldn’t fully commit himself to those relationships. There was only one way Adam could confess his feelings: through music. He wrote song after song to Tommy – of course he always made it appear as if the lyrics were about a fictional boyfriend. And maybe that was exactly what Tommy became to him. A platonic love. A muse. It wasn’t the first time the music business saw something like that. Still Adam couldn’t do anything against it. At the end he couldn’t deny his feelings. He couldn’t describe exactly what kind of feelings Tommy evoked in him. It was different from everything he knew and despite the growing need and yearning or the fever that ate him up on some nights he behaved. He watched girlfriends come and go. He offered his shoulder if needed, but never talked about his feelings.

He has always been very good in hiding what he didn’t want others to see. He just had to paint the thick layers of his mask on – the goofy, energetic and kind man who loved to sing above all and had the presence of a volcano mixed with a tornado on stage, thanks to his other side too. But when he was alone without his mask in the middle of the lonely nights, he was just staring at the actual hotel room’s ceiling, watching the changing shadows sleepless while his fingers were remembering the soft touch of the blond hair, his nose recalling that well-known and beloved scent, his freckled mouth savoring the memory of the pouty lips’ curve and taste… It was torture, it was suffering, it was all he had. That sometimes painful longing for one look, for one touch, for one taste. He wasn’t proud of it, but he touched himself a few times when the burning got unbearable and he desperately needed some release and had no boyfriends around whom he could punish or fuck. Disgusting? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely if he wanted to remain sane.

Being on the road was the worst. So close yet so far. At times when Tommy got too drunk to get back to his own room and crashed on his couch or sometimes even on his bed Adam just watched him like a fucking lovesick boy or stalker. It was creepy, he knew, but he couldn’t help himself. He wondered if everyone had to live through such things at some point of their lives. Maybe. Maybe it was just him, he couldn’t be sure but he didn’t really care either. He knew that what he had with the bottle blond guitarist was something special and he was too big of a coward to risk losing it. So he remained silent and talked only through his songs, hoping that maybe one day Tommy would realize – without freaking out – that Adam was singing for him. Until then there were only the burning longing, his pissed shadow self and Adam.

Ever wondered what the video of “Better Than I Know Myself” was about? You thought only about Adam’s light and dark side, huh? Well, you were wrong. It was only one layer of it. There was someone else he needed and became a part of him, about whom he was singing. Not so hard do guess now who, right? It was ‘funny’ to watch, without being able to do anything against it, how his world slowly started to revolve around the one person he could never have. He could’ve had anyone but Tommy. During his sleepless nights or other times when they were together Adam wondered if his friend would’ve been disgusted if he knew what Adam was thinking about or confessed. He wondered if the blond suspected anything. Sometimes he was worried that he couldn’t hide all the longing or love-filled looks. He was trapped. He couldn’t imagine his life without Tommy anymore – that showed also in Tommy staying the only original member of Adam’s band. But he was his best friend and they worked perfectly together – suspicion dodged. Five points to sneaky Adam.

Yes, he had his tricks and routines. He had to. But how long would this work? How long would Adam have to argue with his other side who wanted the blond just as much – if not more? He could clearly feel that urge to be close and protect the smaller man. And it was coming from that shadow. Strange, huh? He couldn’t fully understand – or he didn’t dare to look deep enough to see the obvious. He just scribbled down words after words, lines after lines while waiting for Tommy.

 

_“I don't need to wander any more_  
 _I have found what I've been looking for_  
 _I don't need a map to know the way_  
 _I don't need a map to tell me where I'm at…”_

“This is actually pretty good. Will this be a b-side?” he heard the familiar voice all of a sudden. Of course it made him jump and his skin started to crawl as he looked to the side and that scent hit his nose while Tommy leaned closer over his shoulder, brown eyes fixed on the paper.

“Glitter Baby, you nearly scared the shit out of me!” he tried to laugh it off and bit his lip, forcing himself not to glimpse longingly at those pouty lips he could taste so many times on stage. “I… I don’t know yet. Maybe. It’s not finished yet” he moved his hand to hide the lyrics, a light blush painting his freckled face. No make up that day.

This time Tommy didn’t tease the shit out of him just gave a sweet smile and a questioning look as he walked around Adam and the table he was sitting at and dropped down on the chair next to the singer. “Can I read it?”

“It’s no good. Actually I might throw it away…” he babbled. He never babbled like this about his lyrics. Usually Tommy was one of the first persons who could read his lyrics and Adam couldn’t wait to show them to him – partly because of excitement and partly because of curiosity to see if he got them. But this time the blond found him off-guard and he could nearly see his other side roll his eyes – if that was even possible – as he suddenly felt vulnerable. _Get a grip of yourself, Lambert, for god’s sake! You’re not a fuckin’ virgin boy…_

“Can I read it?” Tommy repeated softly, the shadow of that previous smile lingering in the corner of his lips.

Finally Adam nodded and slid the paper over, his hand toying with the pen afterwards while Tommy was reading. Either he was reading very slowly, or Adam was just too impatient and on edge. While he was arguing with his other side in his head he stole glances of the pretty face which showed concentration but otherwise appeared calm as Tommy adjusted his hair with a slim hand – a move Adam had seen countless times and was so Tommy.

“So who’s that you’ve been looking for?” he asked once finished and Adam had to swallow hard, their eyes locked for a few long moments as he looked back at his friend suggestively. He couldn’t help it.

“You know… the usual fantasy boyfriend…” he shrugged laughing it off once again, pretending that it wasn’t really important.

Tommy watched him for a minute then gave the paper back nodding. He stood up to fetch his hoodie he left there earlier. The reason he came over to Adam’s room. “Can’t wait to read the finished lyrics. It’ll be a great song. I should be going now and let you back to it” he said and walked to the couch’s back to grab the hoodie.

Adam nodded and got up to let him out and lock the door behind him. He was about to open the door for Tommy when he saw the blond step closer and reach up to pull him down to him by his nape for a kiss. But what a kiss! It wasn’t their usual goodnight peck. No. Adam could feel the darkness inside of him stir and growl approvingly as Tommy’s tongue slid past his lips and kissed him deep and long. It felt different. It had to be different. No friend should be allowed to kiss another friend like this…

“This will be my new favorite song that was written about me…” Tommy grinned up at a very confused and shocked Adam, running a hand over the wildly beating heart before he left closing the door behind him.

Adam couldn’t move for long minutes as all sank in. His fingers traced his own lips, the taste of Tommy still lingering there and a disbelieving smile crept on his face as he walked back to the table on shaky legs to pick up the pen and scribble down the missing lines of the song:

 

_“Now I believe in more than I can see_  
 _Now I can breathe again and_  
 _I don't need a map to know the way_  
 _I don't need a map, you'll always light the path…”_

 

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
17-18/03/2014

 


	2. By the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision is being made by Tommy and some rules are set down between him and Adam.  
> But will they be able to play by those rules?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to “Beam of Light”. Yes, I couldn’t help myself and as it seems a few more parts will follow as some are already roughly drafted out in my mind. Until then enjoy the second part of the “Beam of Light series”.
> 
> Recommended song: Adam Lambert – By the Rules (Quotations are obviously from there.) 
> 
> Rating/category/pairing: NC-17, slash, supernatural elements, romance, angst elements, Adommy, Adam Lambert, Tommy Joe Ratliff

  
_Full size[ HERE](http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/084/5/f/by_the_rules_by_useless_girl-d7bkcox.jpg)_

 

 

**By the Rules**

 

_“You are my lover_   
_My lava flow_   
_Burn like no other_   
_Right through the core_   
_Just like the constellations, we shine_   
_No wreck or ruin, our planets align…”_

There they were, sitting across from each other on the two couches of Adam’s hotel room. Soon they’ll have to get ready for the show, but now they had some free time to kill. And what a better way to do that than talking about serious things? Or at least try… For Adam’s sake. Because he was full of unanswered questions since last night when Tommy left him in his room after that passionate kiss and confession. That certainly blew the singer’s mind. Talking about sleepless nights… Now Adam’s and the shadow self’s excitement made sure he had a restless few hours before the sun came up and they had to hit the road again. They were traveling for long hours and somehow the singer never had the chance to talk to Tommy about the whole situation he found himself in. That one sentence changed so many things and Adam wanted to see clearly before letting his hopes get too high. He wasn’t particularly fond of the idea to fall flat on his face and of course it was very important to make sure he wasn’t imagining things and he wouldn’t lose the unique relationship that was his and Tommy’s.

His throat was dry despite the beer he sipped on time after time as the silence dragged out between them. The way Adam acted was _so_ ridiculous. Where the hell did his confident self go? And why wasn’t his other side stepping forward to take control over the situation like it did before in the past? _Because this was much more important_ , he realized and damn, he didn’t want to blow it this time. The stakes were high for sure. If he did blow it, he would lose not just his best friend but his colleague too – he was sure about that.

Tommy appeared to be calm as ever, drinking from his bottle, looking pretty as always and obviously enjoying the situation a bit more than he should have – or at least Adam thought so after looking at the familiar face. He could read it quite well by now. This was his amused face. “So… will we talk too or just sit here and stare at each other until we have to go?” he asked after a couple of more minutes when he thought he gave enough time for the singer to calm down – though by his look he was far from calm. He acted… insecure? Scared? Adam fucking Lambert scared of talking? That was a first… Nonetheless he understood.

“I… uhm…” he cleared his throat, gripping the bottle of beer a bit tighter. _Get a grip of yourself too, mate. You are pathetic._ He could nearly hear the words from that dark corner and as much as he wanted to talk back, he knew that the shadow self was right. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, fixing his gaze on his friend. “How long?”

“Does it really matter for how long I’ve known you were writing about me?” Tommy asked back flipping his hair to the side with a move of his head.

“It does matter to me. I’d like to know” Adam sounded a little calmer as he began scratching at the edge of the beer label.

“Long enough” he shrugged and smiled faintly.

“Were you freaked out and disgusted?” he asked biting the inside of his mouth, jaw flexing.

Tommy inhaled deeply and shook his head then stood up with his beer and slowly walked over to Adam, knowing that he’d have to help Adam snap out of this shy state. It wasn’t really the Adam he knew and loved. He watched as the singer pressed against the back of the couch as he got closer. He nearly looked scared, a lot of emotions running through his face but Tommy was more interested in the way Adam’s bluish-grey eyes began to darken in shades as he slowly straddled him and sat on his lap. That look… that was more like him. Or at least when Tommy was around the singer. “Not really. I was surprised of course when I figured it out, but looking back it wasn’t so difficult to piece it together” he answered sipping from his drink before tilting his head slightly to the side, finding the warmth of Adam’s body underneath nice. He sat in his lap before, of course, but not like this. This was different and… good. Felt natural and exciting at the same time. The guitarist has known for a long time that his body would be a perfect fit for Adam, because he knew the singer’s type. Small, pretty and witty – just like him. But he wasn’t sure he’d sit here one day and look into the serious eyes like this. “I should’ve known from the very beginning from that look at the audition” he sighed and a small smile played in the corner of his lips.

“Yeah… well you were just my type and your guitar playing blew my mind…” he cleared his throat and held his beer a bit tighter, his other hand resting on Tommy’s thigh.

 _Now we are getting somewhere_ , Tommy thought as a quite normal reply came from the singer. He tentatively slid closer on his lap just to be rewarded with a sharp inhale.

“Wait… before this gets any further… I have to know what’s happening. Is this… a one night stand, or becoming fuck buddies or you want to be with me?” he asked. He just had to know and see clearly.

Tommy looked down into Adam’s eyes as he finished off his beer and put the bottle down behind him on the coffee table. He then put his hands on Adam’s shoulders and smacked his lips, clearly thinking things over. “You know well that I wasn’t really attracted to guys so far… besides finding some hot and pretty, but I never did anything else than teasing and occasionally kissing them… But I like you. A lot. You must have felt it already. What if I said I wanted you to pop my cherry? The one I want to experiment with? You know I’m not shy when it comes to trying out new things. I feel safe and comfortable around you and know you’d be more than attentive if we did this. How about… waiting with my answer to your question after we tried it? I understand your concerns. I don’t want this to come between us either but I’m curious and not just about having sex with a man but about having sex with _you_ … If you say yes, I think we can see where things will lead us. I just don’t want things to get weird between us after… well, after you fucked me” he said bluntly and licked his own lips as even the thought made his cock twitch in the confines of his skinny jeans. “Taking it slower would be better, I think, although I don’t think I’d freak out as my mind is already set” he added and waited for Adam’s answer with a confident expression, hips slightly rubbing against Adam’s groin.

Adam had to close his eyes from the delicious friction after listening to Tommy’s thoughts on the subject. He had to take a sip from his beer too and lick his lips as he returned the honest look. He really looked confident about his proposal and oh man, what a proposal! Adam got so turned on even from the possibility to finally touch Tommy like that for real, not just in his fantasies. Choosing Adam as the first one to share this experience with was more than flattering to the singer, but he wasn’t so sure what he’d feel or do in case Tommy said he’d rather just stick with chicks afterwards. Would Adam be able to move on and let that night become nothing more than just a pleasurable memory? But at the same time if the singer said no, he knew he’d always ask himself the ‘what if’ questions, wondering how it would’ve felt having sex with Tommy and of course what might’ve come out of it in case it worked out. Taking a deep breath he slowly nodded. “If you are serious then my answer is yes. I’ll gladly be your first… and I don’t want this to come between us either. You are too close to my heart for that. A too important part of my life” he sighed and slid his free hand on the back of Tommy’s head, caressing his nape and neck. He let the blond take his bottle and put that on the table too then watched him lean closer to lean his forehead against Adam’s. The singer had to close his eyes, body slightly shaking in anticipation as Tommy’s fringe tickled the side of his freckled face.

“I am serious” Tommy nodded pulling his head back enough to be able to look into Adam’s grayish-blue eyes. He could tell only from that look that this’d mean more to the singer than to Tommy but as selfish it might sounded, the guitarist had to know. He wanted to know how it’d be with Adam… if it would be as good as he imagined during his drunken nights when he had enough liquid courage in him to dare to let his thoughts wander into that direction, then it was worth a shot, wasn’t it? Besides, he didn’t know anyone else who’d be more perfect than Adam.

“What do you like in bed? Any limits?” Adam’s question pulled him back to reality.

“With guys? I have no idea. With girls I’m usually in control, but tried out this and that. I like spanking, bondage, a little choking/breath control and I consider myself pretty open-minded. I like it rough” he flushed for the first time “Limits? If you don’t piss or shit on me I’m cool” he chuckled, trying to make Adam look less serious while he reached for the big hand adorned with rings. Fuck, he couldn’t wait to feel those on his dick… “But I’ll tell if something’s too much.”

“Ew, Glitterboy!” he grimaced “I’m a pervert alright, but not that much” he chuckled shortly then ran his free hand down on the narrow back, finding Tommy even prettier from the blush “In control, huh? Then we might have a problem, because I’m a top…”

“And a Dom, as I’ve heard…” Tommy breathed, excitement glistening in his brown eyes from the thought “I… was kinda counting with that. Especially after your controlling kisses and behavior on stage…” he admitted “and I liked those. You must have felt it…”

Adam swallowed hard and felt his cock fill some more from the memories of how easily he could bend not just Tommy’s body but will too and now this badly disguised excitement… _Interesting_. “So you want a taste?” he asked feeling the shadow self stretch and lift his head very interested from the turn of events. He got a nearly shy nod and before Adam knew his hand was already fisted in Tommy’s hair at the back where it was left longer in the middle. He pulled on it a little to tilt Tommy’s head up just enough to expose his neck. The pleasure in Tommy’s moan clearly audible as Adam bent closer and planted a soft kiss on the smooth throat. He felt Tommy finally lead Adam’s hand on his bulge to show how much he liked this. The singer’s fingers started rubbing him through the tight jeans, a low growl resonating in his throat. Dammit, Tommy’s reactions were already driving Adam insane. “We’ll discuss the rest later, okay?” he asked letting Tommy’s hair go and he slid that hand down to the small ass, squeezing it hard to make the blond grind against his hand and groin again. He took the hint and did it, moaning from the friction.

“Sure, whatever. Kiss me already!” he panted with cheeks flushed, making Adam grin wide for a second.

The kiss was far from chaste. It was all teeth and tongue and suppressed desires that were surfacing after such a long time. There was need and want and passion in every move of their lips, tongues and crashing teeth. Every bite and lick and sucking motion as Adam dominated Tommy’s mouth, taking control like on stage, but this… this was so much more heated. The small blond’s little whimpers and needy hands roaming the broad chest and shoulders made Adam rock-hard. Those damn pants… Letting the cute ass – which fit into his hand so perfectly – go he reached for Tommy’s belt to open it along with his jeans. He broke the heated kiss for a second to pant for air as his hands eased the pressure on Tommy. “More?”

“More!” the urging answer came in a split second, no hesitation visible on the familiar face.

“Handjob?” he asked pulling Tommy’s dick out, groaning from the touch of the velvety skin. The blond was rock-hard too which was a good sign.

“Uh-huh… no time for more” he reached for Adam’s belt too, brown eyes hazy with lust and excitement – those damn rings felt just as good as he imagined! This wasn’t so tricky so far. He quickly freed the singer’s cock and had to glimpse down “Holy shit, dude, the rumors are true!” he exclaimed a little shocked but grinning at the same time. Nevertheless, he had to swallow hard as he wondered how that big cock would fit in his ass later. But oh well, he signed up for this and… he’ll take it like a man.

Adam chuckled low and flashed a dangerously dark look at Tommy, hand fisting around the hard flesh “I hope you don’t mind…” he grinned then licked into the other man’s mouth.

“No… don’t mind it at all. Fuck… feels _so_ good” he panted thrusting up into the fist around him, his own hand copying Adam’s moves, recalling what he liked to do to his own cock and hoping that the singer would love that too. According to Adam’s moans and the way he crashed his lips against Tommy’s again he did like it.

It was hard to control himself now. He _so_ wanted to listen to the shadow self who urged Adam to pin the pretty guitarist against the couch and fuck him senseless, but they really didn’t have time for that and Tommy asked to take it slow. Alright, relatively slow. To compromise with the demanding beast inside he grabbed Tommy’s hand to pull it back from the already leaking cock and led it behind the narrow back. He let Tommy’s dick go too and did the same with the other slim arm, crossing them by his wrists. He held them together with one hand and met Tommy’s questioning gaze as he looked down at him. “Trust me” he asked hoarsely and waited until the blond nodded, fringe falling into the flushed face. Fuck, he was _so pretty_ … With his other hand he grabbed Tommy’s ass and easily slid him close enough so their hard cocks touched, sending a shiver down their spines. Adam spit into his palm a few times then took both of them in one big hand, making sure sensitive skin was pressed together. He swallowed back a loud moan but Tommy couldn’t. Adam watched the brown eyes roll back in the guitarist’s head, mouth slightly open as the singer began pumping them both.

“Fuck, Adam… so intense!” he moaned slightly bucking against the grip and the other cock, crossed arms straining in Adam’s other hand. Looking down Tommy watched them and he found the sight so fucking hot. Hotter than he’d imagined it would be.

The singer grinned darkly and sped up the moves of his hand, eyes changing to a darker grey as his other side crawled closer to the surface too feeling Adam and Tommy’s pleasure which was burning their bodies as if they were sitting in the middle of a sauna. Hearing the small blond’s moans and whimpers was nearly too much for Adam, not to mention the sight. It was so damned hot… The way he strained and bucked against his double grip on his cock and wrists, the needy sounds of his pleasure... He knew the guitarist was at the brink of breaking down and start begging. Adam was experienced enough to be able to read the signs and it made his heart beat faster knowing that Tommy was truly what he hoped for – shapeable and ready to learn… ready to submit to him when the time came. Or at least he seemed to enjoy this immensely so far. He couldn’t wait to take it to the next step. Soon Tommy will be truly his – even if only for one night. But he didn’t think that thought further just let himself get lost in the moment of pleasure they shared with each other in that hotel room.

“I’m gonna…” Tommy whimpered.

“Me too… don’t hold back… wanna feel you cum on my cock and hand…” Adam panted as they both bucked into his grip.

“Fuck!” he cursed from Adam’s comment and it took only a few more firm tugs of that wonderful big hand to spill his seed as requested. Tommy cursed some more and moaned Adam’s name as he came hard, restricted arms shaking as suddenly it felt too much. Everything felt just… too much. Head spinning and body shaking Tommy dropped forward, his sweaty forehead resting against Adam’s shoulder as he was held up only by the singer’s grip around his wrists and he listened to the loud groans and grunts that resonated through his friend. Just before it would’ve gotten too much for his oversensitive cock Adam shot his load too. Tommy opened his eyes still in that position and watched it with a moan. He’d have never thought that the sight of a dick coming against his own would be such a turn on. But it wasn’t just any cock. It was Adam’s. It was Adam who panted next to his ear, who let his wrists go and slid his hand up on Tommy’s T-shirt-covered back to caress his nape so… lovingly.

Adam was clearly on cloud nine as he was basking in the afterglow of his orgasm, hand stilling on their cocks as panting he let his head fall back against the couch. Uncaring about the mess they made he lifted a hand to his lips and tasted their mixed essence with a low moan as he was still caressing Tommy’s nape. He was a little surprised when Tommy lifted his head and sucked two of his fingers in his mouth to do the same. That dirty look… _Jesus_ … He waited until Tommy – like a real kitten – licked his hand clean accompanied by tiny little moans of pleasure that made Adam’s skin crawl in the best ways. Afterwards he pulled him closer by his nape and kissed him passionately to taste each other on their tongues too.

“Fuck… this was…” Tommy said when coming up for air in a couple of minutes.

“… hot?” Adam grinned.

“Hell yeah! I loved every second of it…” he nodded a few times, fringe falling in his eyes yet again.

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear this…” Adam sighed running his hands down on Tommy’s heavily tattooed arms, knowing that they had only a few more minutes before they had to go get ready for the show and the singer wanted to enjoy every second of this.

“If you were afraid that I wouldn’t like it then you are insane, Babyboy…” Tommy chuckled relaxed and all smiles.

“I believe insane is my middle name” he shrugged grinning then looked more serious “So you’re okay? No freaking out on the horizon?” he rubbed Tommy’s back with both hands.

“I don’t think so. Besides this is just… sex. Two friends having fun with each other. You were right, I might be less straight than I thought” he chuckled crawling off Adam’s lap to reach into his pocket and pull out a tissue to clean up the best he could and tuck himself back in. “I should get going if we don’t want to be late…”

“Right. I should get ready too” Adam watched him, ignoring the fact that his other side growled disapprovingly once Tommy got off his lap. The singer was rather thinking about Tommy’s words. _Besides this is just… sex. Two friends having fun with each other_. Tommy was right, but the only problem was that Adam already thought of it differently.

Tommy caught that look but couldn’t… or rather didn’t want to comment on it, even if this time it made him the selfish one. Though before he headed towards the door he stepped back to Adam and leaned down to press one last passionate kiss on his lips. “Thanks, baby. For everything. I have a feeling we’ll have an amazing show tonight” he winked at Adam then left, feeling the singer’s intense gaze on his back.

He was right – the show was amazing. Full of passion and barely masked need.

 

_“The tide and the moon yeah_   
_You pull like the sea_   
_In waves I can feel ya_   
_You're My ecstasy_   
_The lamb and the lion_   
_We lay down in peace._   
_Like air to the fire_   
_I need you to breathe_   
  
_By the rules I play…”_

 

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
24/03/2014


	3. The Perfect Drug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Tommy experiences something completely new and Adam loses himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third part of the “Beam of Light series". This time I’ve got inspired by the NIN song below. One of my favorite remixes, by the way, and found both the lyrics and the mood of the song fitting for this part. Enjoy.
> 
>  **Recommended song:** _[Nine Inch Nails – The Perfect Drug(Green Dream ReMix by TweakerRay)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKENSJ1h7nk)_  
>  (Quotations are obviously from the original track.) 
> 
> **Rating/category/pairing:** NC-17, slash, supernatural elements, romance, angst elements, Adommy, Adam Lambert, Tommy Joe Ratliff

 

 

   
Full size [HERE](http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/089/8/1/the_perfect_drug_by_useless_girl-d7c7lcp.jpg)

 

**The Perfect Drug**

 

_“I got my head but my head is unraveling_  
 _cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling_  
 _I got my heart but my heart's no good_  
 _you're the only one that's understood…”_

It was time. It was really happening. Adam was trying to let himself believe that it was real this time. But yes, they were really standing opposite each other and everything that happened that day – the stolen looks, the heated show and the couple of drinks – all have led up to that moment. He didn’t remember which city or hotel it was, but it didn’t really matter. He wanted to make it more special for Tommy though. The romantic in him wanted to get candles or put on some music or any of that romantic shit, which Tommy would have secretly liked too, but looking into the brown eyes he knew Tommy didn’t mind. They had each other. That was all that counted.

“I’m sure” Tommy nodded reassuringly although Adam hasn’t even opened his mouth to ask. He got a knowing little smile from the smaller man, who ran his slender fingers down on the singer’s chest, the touch flaring up sparkles of desire. “I know you better than you think” he said as an explanation.

Adam believed him so he nodded and took Tommy’s face between his big hands to tilt his head up and kiss him gently first. He took his time savoring the pouty lips that tasted like wine, lip gloss and Tommy. He’s been waiting for this moment for days now. They’ve been so busy after their agreement in that other hotel room that – besides a few stolen kisses and touches – they barely had time to grab some sleep. Being on the road, doing all the interviews, going to different events could get overwhelming sometimes. Especially when in the back of his mind one was thinking about such things like what was happening right now. If Adam wanted to be honest with himself, the waiting only made it better but he was grateful that it was finally over and he could engage Tommy’s lips into this deep and promising kiss. He felt that it was his responsibility to make this as easy and enjoyable to his friend as possible.

Still kissing he slid his hands down on Tommy’s shoulders and slim arms, pulling him closer by them until his body was pressed against Adam’s. The singer’s heart was thudding against his ribcage so hard he thought Tommy might’ve felt it on his own chest. But that didn’t stop him from sliding his hands to the hem of the black _Frankenstein_ T-shirt just to pull it over Tommy’s head, messing up the already messy hairdo some more. None of them minded though. Adam smiled down at him as he stroked Tommy’s fringe out of his slightly flushed face. He was so cute and hot at the same time that it made Adam grow bigger and harder. He watched Tommy turn his attention to the small buttons of his black button down shirt. He saw no second thoughts on his face as he revealed more and more freckled skin and ginger curls. Once the shirt was off and he could feel the small hands discovering his chest and abs he reached under Tommy’s chin with his index-finger and tipped it up so that their lips could merge in another gentle kiss which quickly turned more urgent. It was time for Adam to take the lead which he gladly did and backed Tommy towards the bed in the half-lit room.

Lying down on top of the cover Tommy pulled the singer over his smaller frame and let himself get lost in the deep kiss. He could feel the care and affection radiate from each move Adam’s tongue, lips and hands made. This was it. It was really happening after such a long time spent on only fantasizing about it… It made Tommy’s heart beat even faster and his cock strain against his jeans some more. It all felt like a dream but so real at the same time. He didn’t know feeling like this was even possible, but this wasn’t the time to muse on that. He just let his insecurities and doubts go and went along with whatever Adam was doing. He felt a wave of lust and anticipation rush through his slim body as he let Adam take off his creeper shoes, socks and pants with his briefs too. There he was, lying naked and exposed and about to be fucked by the man he chose for the task. He was as prepared as he could be.

Adam let his eyes feast on the sight of the tattooed pale body. He found him breathtaking to say the least and it was such an amazing feeling that he could finally touch him the way he’s been longing to. His hand caressed Tommy all over, easing away every possible unsure feeling. As his hand slid on the hard cock and heard the lustful moan a shiver ran down Adam’s spine. Fisting his hand around Tommy he leaned down to kiss and lick a small nipple until it got erected. He gently bit down and pulled on it, listening to the sharp inhale turned into a low moan. Tommy wasn’t lying when he said he liked a little pain mixed with the pleasure and it made Adam’s other side growl approvingly as he pumped Tommy with one hand, the other gently scratching down on the flat stomach raising goose bumps all over the pale skin.

The blond guitarist was lying there as relaxed as he could be in the given situation, his second thoughts and worries long gone by now and they just drifted further away once he felt Adam’s amazing lips surround his throbbing hard on. Those full lips were slowly but surely driving him insane. He already felt his body on fire and it just got more and more intense with each lick and suck and moan that his cock received. “God…” he groaned, body arching with need for more. Adam took the hint and after one last hard suck he slid off Tommy’s dick and moved lower to suck on his balls as he pushed the white legs higher and more open. Tommy didn’t protest and a shiver ran down his spine as he heard Adam’s belt buckle and zipper opening. Glimpsing down he watched him play with his balls and guessed that he was quickly getting rid of the unnecessary clothing. A wave of excitement and anticipation rushed through Tommy, making his body jerk and move against Adam’s lips which quickly slid lower and a surprised little yell escaped Tommy as he felt the wet tongue flick around his hole. It was a strange but exciting feeling and he decided that he wanted more. 

_“You make me hard when I'm all soft inside_  
 _I see the truth when I'm all stupid-eyed_  
 _the arrow goes straight through my heart…”_

It was no surprise that Adam took off on pleasuring and teasing Tommy like this, but he knew he had to be patient just a little more. He was determined to show the small blond pleasures he’d never felt before. God, he tasted so good! Tongue rimming him shamelessly Adam groaned a little relieved that he was finally naked too and no clothing was restricting his raging hard on anymore. Adjusting Tommy into a better angle he caressed the back of his spread legs as Adam lay on the bed and pressed his tongue against the pink hole. He was watching every reaction to make sure the guitarist was still comfortable. The small noises of pleasure, the gasps and moans made the red fog of lust thicken over Adam’s eyes, tongue working as if his life depended on it until he heard Tommy start to moan nearly desperately. Adam was sure he could’ve made him cum only by rimming him, but that was not what he’d planned for the night. “More?” he asked hoarsely, eyes locking with Tommy’s.

“Fuck yes! Please!” he panted in response, head already spinning. Fuck, he didn’t know rimming could be so hot! He got already so close from that damn tongue of Adam’s. Heat was rising in him, threatening with consuming him completely – just what Tommy was hoping for. His hips slightly jerked when a wet fingertip took the tongue’s place. The blond guitarist got so lost in the sensations and thoughts that it registered in his mind only now that he heard Adam pop the cap of the lube a few seconds ago to wet his fingers and Tommy’s hole some more. And then suddenly there it was – a finger probing into him. It was… strange, but not painful.

“That’s it… Relax and let me in” he heard Adam say, voice hoarse and fucking sexy from desire. Tommy did his best to comply and soon he felt Adam’s knuckle touch his ass, finger buried deep inside. For a moment he was just getting used to the feeling but he had to moan as it started to move inside, discovering the depths of his body until it brushed against a spot which made Tommy jerk and see stars. “Fuck! Prostate” he moaned the obvious, making Adam chuckle low.

“Yeah. More?” he asked this time teasingly.

“Hell yeah!” he closed his eyes and fisted his hands around the sheets bracing himself. When Adam pressed against that spot Tommy’s eyes rolled back into his head and he moaned loud. He’d heard before how intense stimulating someone’s prostate was, but he’d never thought it would be _this_ intense. He was so wrapped up in his own head again that first he haven’t even realized that a second finger joined the first, stretching him further and adding to his pleasure. His hips starting to buck against Adam’s digits were proof of just how much he enjoyed these new sensations.

“Damn you are so hot like this…” Adam panted heavily and he was so glad he could be the one giving Tommy the pleasure that was reflecting on his face. Still, the singer knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold back much longer. The urging growls in his mind got louder and his fingers worked harder and faster, a third joining them towards the end. “Need to be inside you, Tommy…” he finally said, hoping for an approving response. When he got it along with a moan he pulled his fingers out and quickly poured a generous amount of lube on his throbbing dick. He crawled on top of Tommy and smiled seeing a deep blush spreading on his face when he saw Adam’s glistening cock ready to impale him. “Look at be, Glitterbaby. I promise you’ll love this” he said on a reassuring voice, reaching down with one hand to line up his cock and rub its wide tip against the opening. The small gasp Tommy made sent a shiver down Adam’s spine and he started pushing in, capturing the pouty lips in a sensual kiss, the small blond’s moans resonating through the singer.

It was nothing he’d ever felt before. His face flinched and he softly whined into Adam’s mouth more because of surprise than pain. He let the singer kiss him through the first few seconds that were nearly unpleasant and a hand on his leaking cock helped too. Once he felt the pressure ease up as Adam’s tip breached him Tommy moaned between the other man’s lips. He had to hold on to something as he felt the small careful moves pushing inch after inch inside, stretching him, the strange sensation starting to turn into something else, something that tickled Tommy’s stomach with excitement. His nails dug into Adam’s shoulders as he finally broke the kiss and turned his head to the side to offer his neck and moan louder, eyes rolling back into his head. Damn, the feeling of being filled this full was crazy! But good as well. And he realized again that he wanted more.

“So… fucking… tight…” Adam groaned somewhere by Tommy’s neck as he stilled and gave some time for both of them to breathe. He wasn’t fully in yet, but he already started circling his hips to loosen up Tommy some more, the surprised moans of pleasure he was rewarded with made him smile against the warm neck. Pulling back until only his head stayed inside he began thrusting slowly, going deeper with each controlled stroke. Lifting his head he watched Tommy’s face which was swimming in pleasure. “Good?”

“Y-yeah… fuckin’ a-ma-zing” he opened his eyes as his wrists got captured one by one and pressed down on the bed next to his head, a wave of excitement rushing through him and he instinctively bucked against Adam to take him deeper. In exchange he got a deep moan and a harder push that made Tommy cry out in pleasure.

“Put your legs around my waist” Adam panted and as Tommy obeyed without any hesitation he had to smirk because of his eagerness. He felt so good around him. So tight and hot. Just like he’d imagined he’d be. Or even better. “Oh god…” he groaned loud as he slid deeper and it was getting harder to hold back. Control was slowly but surely slipping through Adam’s fingers as Tommy found a rhythm to buck back against his thrusts. “So… good… so good!” he groaned burying his head into Tommy’s neck licking and sucking on the skin, sniffing it and biting to let all of his senses take Tommy in. He was flooding and overwhelming him and Adam had to tighten his grip around the slim wrists and move his hips harder and faster as he wanted to get fully inside. The tightening hold of the slim legs and the louder, nearly desperate moans by his ear reassured Adam and he bit harder, sucked harder, _owned_ harder.

_“My blood just wants to say hello to you_  
 _my fear is warm to get inside of you_  
 _my soul is so afraid to realize_  
 _how very little bit is left of me…”_

It felt so much more for Adam than just satisfying his best friend’s curiosity. He… he was lost in his swirling emotions and the small accommodating body under him. In that moment nothing else mattered just the fact that Tommy was only his – body and soul. It’s been a fucking long wait to get there but now Adam and his shadow self were basking and got completely lost in the moment. He left every rational thought and worries of tomorrow behind as desire washed over them wave after wave until there were only moans, desperate moves and when it was getting nearly too much for both pure bliss blinded them as their bodies tensed and bucked against each other a few more times then froze into the moments of pleasure. They were left there on the bed a panting and moaning sweaty mess of legs and arms.

He was high. He was in love. He was at home.

  
 _“Take me with you_  
 _Without you everything just falls apart_  
 _It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces…”_

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
30/03/2014


	4. Sleepwalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you want to know what lays underneath all? Something like this...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fourth part of my “Beam of Light series”.
> 
>  **Recommended song:** Adam Lambert – Sleepwalker (Quotations are obviously from this song.)  
>  **Rating/category/pairing:** NC-17, slash, supernatural elements, romance, angst elements, Adommy, Adam Lambert, Tommy Joe Ratliff

  
Full size [HERE](http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/103/a/5/sleepwalker_by_useless_girl-d7clm5z.jpg)

 

**Sleepwalker**

 

 

_“I taste it all, I taste it all_   
_The tears again…”_

He wipes them off with the back of his hand frustrated. He knows it’s stupid and he shouldn’t, but those damned salty drops just don’t want to stop springing free from his tired eyes. The circles are black under them for not sleeping more than a couple of hours since days. Luckily those circles could be hidden under a thick layer of make up. But now there was no make up, just him. Alone in yet another nameless hotel room – to be more exact on the balcony of said room. His back was against the wall as he was sitting on the tiles that were still warm from the sun although it was already past 3 a.m., a bottle of Jack nearly empty in his hand.

“Shit!” he gritted through his teeth as if reacting on an inner monologue. _You knew this’d happen the moment you said yes to his request. You knew you – we – would come off badly. Yet you did it anyway…_

“You wanted it too…” he sighed frustrated “More than anything…” he wiped at his eyes again and lifted the bottle to his lips with some difficulty, but he finally managed to find his mouth and took a long sip, the burning feeling as it went down his throat and warmed his stomach felt good now. Though it didn’t help to forget or ease the pain he was harboring inside. _You mean self-pity, right?_

“Oh just shut up already…” he mumbled tilting his head up to watch the starry sky. It was a clear and warm night. It’s funny how we complicate things for ourselves knowing exactly that things like this could – and usually do – happen. And yet we do it anyway, walk into the trap, offer our neck and heart and end up falling flat on our face. Like Adam did.

He was in love with his guitarist and best friend, who was supposedly straight but yet he slept with Adam to experiment… or whatever his reason was. Adam knew it’d end badly, but hope is a bitch. Being a romantic deep down didn’t help either. He was hoping that maybe… maybe this could become more… that this’d change things for Tommy too and Adam would be able to finally love him openly, not just adoring him from the distance. Well, it did change things but into the opposite direction.

It’s been a little over two weeks since that night when they made love. _Had sex._ Whatever… and since then Tommy distanced himself from Adam. It was something Adam never thought he’d do. He was starting to blame himself for letting this happen when he knew, when he should’ve known better. And yet he couldn’t say no to those big brown eyes. But he was disappointed and not really because of Tommy’s reaction as he tried to avoid and stop Adam’s every try of pulling him aside and talk about that night. No, he didn’t really blame Tommy. It was his fault. He must’ve done something wrong, although he so tried to make everything good for Tommy. And yet he woke up alone in his bed that morning with only a note that was torn out from the notepad next to the phone. ‘Thanks for everything. T.’ That’s what the note said. Nothing more and it just confused Adam more. Still it was evidence that it happened and it wasn’t just a very vivid dream. He was still carrying that piece of paper around in his wallet like a lovesick fool. Well, he was one apparently. _And a pathetic one to that too._

“Yeah” he snorted and drank again. What really hurt him was the way Tommy acted afterwards. Adam bumped into fucking high walls every time he tried to get closer to him and in two days Tommy already had some chick on his arm, kissing and parading her around, and disappearing with her to god knows where. Adam had some ideas about what they might’ve been doing in Tommy’s free time and it was as if a knife was being twisted in his heart over and over and over again.

“Fuck him!” he cursed running a hand through his hair. _You did, remember?_ Of course he did. He remembered every fucking second of it. It was burned into his mind and he couldn’t get rid of the pictures. Oh he tried. He so fucking tried going out, getting wasted in the actual city’s gay bars which were recommended to him by friends. He wanted to fuck the first twink who’d come his way and resemble Tommy in the slightest way. Oh and there were boys who’d have dropped on their knees on the middle of the dance floor to suck off the big Adam Lambert… But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t touch them. Or look at them, for that matter. He went back to the hotel alone that night, smoked pot, drank some more and let Pink Floyd blast through the speakers as he danced and sang along, running to music which was always his shelter. The only problem was that music reminded him of Tommy too.

_“It's like I can't even feel_   
_After the way you touched me_   
_I'm not asleep but I'm not awake_   
_After the way you loved me…”_

And then he went numb for days and couldn’t sleep. He still can’t really sleep or rest, but he doesn’t care even if putting on his mask and singing and dancing through the shows became harder this way. Especially because he felt the tension between him and Tommy on stage. Something that’s never been there like this before. All those fake smiles he had to make there and outside his hotel rooms ate him away bit by bit. But Tommy didn’t seem to care too much… and after a while… after a while Adam gave up on trying to talk to him. He knew refusal when he saw one. And oh god, he had his fair share of refusals… He might have looked strong and confident and at peace with himself on the outside, but when there was no one around then he was more of that insecure teenage boy with all the complexes and low self-esteem all over again. Scared, alone, feeling small and hurting. _You reek of self-pity. You should get up and drag him out of bed to speak your mind!_

“I said shut up! What if I want to pity myself for a change? Why is that such a sin?! Why do I always have to be the strong one?! And who are you to tell me how to feel and what to think?! Last time I checked you were just a parasite tagging along and making my life miserable!” he shouted into the quiet night then quickly closed his mouth. He was seriously starting to think he was going crazy. Talking to the voice in his head like this!

_I am you._

“Just shut up… just shut up and leave me alone…” Adam whispered pressing his eyes shut, one hand gripping his own hair as if he was about to pull it out while fresh hot tears were sliding down on his flushed face. He finished off the bottle nearly defiantly and put it down next to him.

_I don’t know how._

“Shit…” Adam pulled his legs up and hugged them to his chest, hiding his face behind his knees. Yes, he knew all too well that he didn’t know how. After all, his other self’s been with him for a very long time. Not leaving him for a minute. Not that he’d always be active, but Adam could always feel him to some extent. The first time it “talked” to him he nearly shit his pants. It wasn’t enough that his body was going through all kinds of changes as a teen, that he realized he was gay, but he had to deal with this… something inside of him too. This something raw, primal and at times animalistic being that filled him with urges he didn’t know before. He was old enough to understand that it wasn’t really normal and he was terrified from the thought that he might get drugged and tucked away in some mental institute. He did some research over the years, reading about possession, spirits, demons and all kinds of things, but he couldn’t really find anything that’d quite fit what he was going through. Sometimes he wondered if there were others like him out there, but since he never talked about this side of him to anyone he couldn’t know. So he kept his mouth shut and tried to learn how to live with this other side. It wasn’t always a struggle though. As he got to know himself and the Other a bit better, their relationship improved. But at times like these he wished he could have some space and privacy. But that remained only another dream that would never come true.

“Suck it up, Lambert. This is your ‘glamorous’ life…” he mumbled to himself sarcastically. All the flashing and the lights and the fame. Always pretending to be strong and happy and confident… If they knew. If they would dare to look deeper and forget to always take and take and take until Adam feels himself paper-thin, empty and at the end unable to feel… But that’s not how the world, how people work. For a brief second he let himself go to a thought he tried to dismiss nearly immediately. Namely that Tommy wasn’t better either. He came to him to ask for something too… and Adam gave it to him, because that’s just how he was wired. Helping others, putting everyone in front of his own needs – even if sometimes people saw him selfish. They couldn’t see why he was doing that. They couldn’t see the bigger picture that if he reached his own goals then everyone around him would have the opportunity to pursue their own dreams further. He and his talent made it possible for a lot of people to live their dreams, to get famous, to earn money, to do what they loved to do. And Adam never held that against them, not even when it was so hard sometimes to bite his tongue and let them have their ways. It wasn’t a life for everyone and it wasn’t an easy life either. But he was still living his dream, doing what he always wanted to do, working hard not to lose this privilege in a world which would chew him up and spit him out in a second if it could. And he wouldn’t be able to live according to its restricting rules anymore. He never could. He never wanted.

This was still the best escape from that and he’d gladly give all of himself away bit by bit if he could – just like he did with Tommy since the first time he saw him. Tommy took more and more of him without him knowing about it. The smiles, the touches, the kisses on stage, the long late-night conversations, the hugs, the fooling around, the good and the bad times, their friendship… all those chipped off pieces from his heart and soul and Adam just watched it helplessly. Maybe he could’ve stopped it, but he didn’t want to. He gave himself over to the guitarist gladly, because he was one of the very few people whom he let really close, who maybe knew him better than himself. And finally on the night that they’d spent together Adam silently handed the rest of his heart over to the small blond even if he knew he probably wouldn’t get what he really wanted in return. It was a silly move, but at that point way beyond his control. _And now you are miserable._

“Right.”

_You could’ve spared yourself this heartache._

“I know.”

_Yet you walked right into it. Hurting us both. Why?_

“I don’t know. I had no choice.”

_There’s always a choice._

“Not this time.”

_What do you mean?_

“Can’t you feel it when he’s near? You’re the mystical creature. You tell me what’s that feeling we feel around him” Adam whispered resting his flushed chin on his knees, feeling hollow and broken, the silence stretching in his head until he thought he wouldn’t get any response.

_Home._

“Yeah…” he sighed bitterly and held his legs tighter, hands fisting in the fabric of his jeans as the pain and longing in his chest returned, throbbing with each heartbeat, pushing him deeper into depression.

 

_“Everywhere that I go_   
_I see another memory_   
_And all the places we used to know_   
_They're always there to haunt me_   
_I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely_   
_You're everything that I want_   
_But you don't want me…”_

 

He was losing Tommy. He was losing himself.

 

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
31/03/2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note1:** On the illustration the wolf is Chris Saunders' creation, all credits, rights etc. are his, used only for creative purposes.
> 
>  **Note2:** Pink Floyd seemed to want to get into this story because my music player jumped on them repeatedly while writing this part, so I let it happen. Many thanks for that band too, because their songs always do the trick when I get stuck ;)


	5. Voodoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy's fucked up and he's confused and scared. Will he be able to figure out what's going on inside him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Note:** The fifth part of the “Beam of Light series”.  
>  **Recommended song:** Adam Lambert – Voodoo (Quotations are obviously from that song.)

  
Full size [HERE](http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/096/f/7/voodoo_by_useless_girl-d7dadh0.jpg)

 

**Voodoo**

 

 _“I was lookin' for love all over_  
_You're the hunter and I'm your prey_  
_Now I'm lost in a love hangover_  
_I try to leave but I have to stay…”_

Freckles. Freckles dancing in front of his eyes, freckles over and in him, the army of them taking over Tommy’s world. He was tossing and turning, wanting to ease the overwhelming feeling they evoke in him. He wanted to stop their dance that made his head spin faster and faster and just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore he woke with a start. He was panting, body sweaty as he was sitting in the middle of the bed, the sheet and cover tangled around his slim body. His heart was racing and he tried not to see those damned freckles anymore.

He ran a shaky hand through his messy blond hair. The long fringe on the side was damp and was living its own life at the moment by sticking into impossible directions, but Tommy didn’t care. He was just staring at his naked legs that he just freed. _What the flying fuck just happened?!_

It was in the middle of the night. He glimpsed at the nightstand as his heartbeats finally started to slow down. 2.30 a.m. He barely slept half an hour after sending Kyla away. The bed smelled like sex and somehow it made Tommy more frustrated. Trying to ignore it he lay back down although he knew sleep wasn’t an option anymore. He was surprised that his old friend insomnia let him sleep that long at all. It was getting worse again. And he couldn’t help it. He knew that this time it was partly his fault.

With the pictures of the dream he moaned irritated and stopped his hand from going lower on his naked stomach. He wouldn’t do that. He shouldn’t do that. He was officially straight or some shit… his new fuck buddy was there to prove it, right? The girl who just left… she was sweet, she was hot, he got hard from her and Tommy liked to fuck her. They agreed that it was just that: fucking and having fun, no strings attached because both of them needed just that at that point of their lives. But to be honest she was just a distraction to Tommy from the mess he was trying to deal with – or rather ignore. He knew he’d messed up big time, that he was hurting the man with the crazy freckle army that was haunting him even in his dreams.

“Fuck!!!” he shouted frustrated into the silence of the dark hotel room. He so didn’t want to face himself and his feelings, but knew that at some point he has to otherwise he’d go insane and probably distance himself forever from Adam. It’s been nearly three weeks now and so far he managed to dodge the singer’s attempts to talk. He could feel that Adam was getting more desperate and then slowly those attempts didn’t come so frequently and then stopped all together, letting Tommy feel less suffocated and under pressure. He hated such pressure. He was a pretty laid back and calm person and rarely held big speeches about his feelings. Someone might say he was a private person when it came to his deepest feelings. But exactly what kind of feelings were those? _Fucking confusing ones…_

Sure he always thought that some guys are hot and attractive but he never wanted to try anything sexual with them and besides those little “crushes” were usually with other musicians whom he respected for their work… so it was more like admiration and awe than desire. That doesn’t count, right? Besides he was always into chicks. Some nice curves, a pretty smile, sparkling eyes and soft skin. That was all he needed, that was all he wanted. And then there was Adam…

 _“Snake bites aligning stars_  
_I'm enraptured there is no cure_  
_No sanctuary from your allure…”_

He knew from the first moment that he’d be trouble. But Tommy liked the idea of joining Adam’s band and finally playing for a serious artist with potential to conquer the world too much to play it safe. So he signed the contract and quickly got close to the singer. It sometimes still amazed him how well they clicked from day one. He could always feel that certain tension in the air between them but he didn’t act on it and Adam respected him too much to take a step. Even when they were fooling around on stage or on drunken parties Adam never stepped over a line and always asked Tommy to tell him if he got too touchy-feely. But since Tommy was turned by Adam into a cuddle bitch he wouldn’t be able to name a single occasion where he’d felt uncomfortable and out of his comfort zone while kissing and cuddling with the singer. He knew he was playing with fire and suspected from a few looks he caught that Adam wouldn’t have minded if they went further, but he never pushed him. Tommy was grateful for that and later when from his songs he realized that Adam was probably falling for him he even felt flattered.

Though he didn’t really know what came into him that day when he read the lyrics of “Map”. Maybe he wanted to let Adam know that he _knows_. Maybe he finally wanted to take that one step that they both were afraid to take so far. Maybe he was just too curious. Sure he fantasized about how it could be with a man. He had a curious and experimental nature so why wouldn’t he wonder about that? But he never thought about such things before he met Adam. He was like pure warm energy. A sun radiating warmth and care, drawing people to him wherever he went. And Tommy soon realized that he was following him like a puppy because he just needed that warmth just as badly. Without Adam he would probably still have a shitty work while playing in no-name bands to earn a little extra cash and to do what he loved the most. That job offer as Adam’s bassist was a once in a lifetime opportunity, he knew well and he was so glad he took it. Now he was doing what he always wanted to do even if currently he was an emotional mess.

“Fuck…” he repeated as he got up and pulled the sheet off the bed, grabbed the pillows then the cover too and tossed them on the floor. He marched into the bathroom and stood under the water to wash the smells off. He was beyond irritated with himself. His head was spinning with tiredness and the whirlwind of thoughts and it’d have been so good to make it finally stop, but he knew he made this mess to himself. He was washing his hair nearly angrily when he chocked up then just leaned against the cold tiles focusing on breathing in and out. He hated when he got like this… feeling so helpless and scared to face himself, but he knew he had to get over it now or he’d hate himself more than he already did for playing with Adam’s emotions. He knew he would lose the singer and the special bond for good if he kept doing this. Or maybe he already did… The thought terrified him.

He remembered that broken look in Adam’s eyes and Tommy could always tell when the singer was drinking. And he was drinking. Because of him, he knew it well. He couldn’t let that happen. It was a fucking complicated situation for him as his contradictory emotions were messing with his head and heart, but he knew that Adam didn’t deserve this from him. Not after everything he’d done for him, after everything he gave him. Tommy knew he was being an asshole and knew he had to figure things out quickly.

After the shower he put on some black sweatpants and a way too big T-shirt for his skinny frame and walked to the couch in the dark room. The moon and the city lights made it pretty easy to see without turning any lights on. He picked up one of his guitars and slowly started playing only to help him focus and feel something familiar, something that would ground him and make him feel less lost. Playing usually helped him put his mind at ease or just calm him down. At times it was like therapy and now he needed this little help to collect his thoughts and sort out the emotional chaos inside.

 _“'Cause the voodoo that you do_  
_Is all that you can do_  
_To make me into your fool_  
_'Cause when you do your voodoo_  
_I'm just like a doll_  
_That your pins keep pushing into…”_

He knew that sooner or later he’d get burned by the sheer power Adam was radiating. The energy that surrounded him and made people orbit around him like the Earth orbits around the Sun. Apparently Tommy was no exception either. He could feel that pull clearly every time he was near the singer – and often even when they were far away from each other. When Tommy was doing his own projects while Adam was away living his life, working, being surrounded by other people. That pull never disappeared since the first time their eyes locked. Tommy couldn’t explain it, it was just there. A kind of connection he couldn’t label. It was what it was and he learned to accept and live with it. He figured it was something that came with Adam. And even if at times it scared the guitarist he liked it too.

He considered himself a good observer and he could see the signs – looks, touches, half sentences, a laugh and of course the songs – and he knew Adam could feel it too, he was affected too. It was like some kind of magic from the strangest kind and he just couldn’t shake free. He tried to stay away, to keep his distance but Adam and everything they went through together has changed him too much. He was a different Tommy from the one who was struggling to make enough money to pay his rent and get gigs where he could play. It was no wonder though. This was a completely different kind of league. Tons of new people, places, the studios and the tours – of course these have changed him, but the source of all this was the frigging talented singer whom he could call his closest friend. Tommy wasn’t sure he meant the same to Adam who tended to give so much of him away to everyone, but at least he knew that he was important to the singer.

He’s been watching Adam and he could tell that he didn’t know much about Tommy’s feelings and how he turned the world upside down for him. Or he just didn’t dare to see, because Tommy wasn’t such a good actor to hide his feelings. At times Tommy could see through the always confident-looking mask Adam wore like a shield and could tell how he was struggling to keep feelings inside. But Tommy was sure those feelings were for him, because he saw that expression on the familiar face after he thought Tommy didn’t see Adam watching him. And Tommy wasn’t sure he was ready for this. Or if he’d ever be. He considered himself a straightforward and brave person, but Adam confused him to no end. For god’s sake, he was even questioning his sexuality! That’s what led to that night when he couldn’t bear the tension and curiosity anymore and he had sex with a guy for the first time in his life.

And it was so much better than he’d have ever thought! Because it was with Adam. He was sure about it and it scared the shit out of him and he ran like a coward. He was so confused when he got out from under Adam’s heavy arm and wrote a fucking note before leaving. His body was sated and aching so strangely but he… loved it. And Tommy just couldn’t wrap his mind around that. He lay sleepless for the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and trying to decide what to do: laugh or puke or cry. His brain was fried from the intensity of what he just lived through.

And he needed time to reevaluate everything he knew about himself. _For fuck’s sake_ , he had sex with a dude… no, _Adam_ … and he fucking loved every second of it. And he’d have gladly done it over and over again… What kind of spell did he put on him? Because it was so fucked up crazy! Straight guys don’t change their minds like this! But then Tommy had to face the possibility that he might’ve never been as straight as he liked to think. Or maybe it was yet another of Adam’s effects on him… He couldn’t really know. And he tried to deny all of this – especially the feelings those few nights of fooling around and then ending up in bed evoke in him. He had to reassure himself that he wasn’t going completely nuts and that he was still himself. That was part of the reason he picked up Kyla. He had to reassure his masculinity, sexuality, that he was still control over himself, that Adam didn’t change him completely. He didn’t. Tommy was still Tommy but Adam showed him a completely different and new side of him and it was strange, it was scary and exciting at the same time. He wasn’t sure he’d come out alive from that trip to that side if he continued going down that road.

His fingers stopped on the strings and he sighed staring at the carpet between his naked feet. And now he had to figure out what he wanted. He couldn’t stay quiet about this forever. He couldn’t put Adam through all this heartache just because Tommy was so fucking insecure about himself and what he wanted. To be honest he was terrified of losing this – his job, the tour, the studio work, performing in front of a devoted crowd nearly every night, the Glamily, but most of all Adam. He knew they had something special going on. They both knew, Tommy was sure. Even when Adam was seeing someone, even when Tommy had a girlfriend, that bond stayed and at times he could feel the pull. It was unknown, it was dangerous, it was interesting, but Tommy tried to ignore it the best he could. He had his goals in his life and now he was living his dream, he was right where he wanted to be and he didn’t want to fuck things up, didn’t want to risk a broken heart – or two. He just couldn’t risk Adam firing him if things went sore. He was afraid. Scared shitless. He needed this. He needed Adam in his life like air. He needed that sun, that beam of light to light up his path in the crazy world that surrounded them.

Oh he knew if he gave in – because since he opened his legs for him it was clear to Tommy that Adam being a guy didn’t mean anything anymore, it was much deeper than that – he would do it so completely and willingly that he was afraid of completely losing himself in Adam, although at times he wanted to try it. For example on that night they had sex. That was one of those occasions and the chemistry was working so well and strong between them that Tommy felt himself like being in a daze, far from reality for fucking days… He was so fucked up, Adam was ruining him without really knowing anything about his effect on Tommy. And Tommy knew that he was now guilt tripping Adam although he didn’t deserve it at all. Probably he was thinking that Tommy distanced himself and kept silent of that night because of him being straight. Sure it was messing with Tommy’s head to realize for sure that he was most likely bi – or rather Adam-sexual since he was the only guy he had such desires and feelings for – but Tommy had a few days to come to terms at least with that. He accepted Adam’s affect on him. He was attracted to him. What the hell, he _needed_ to be around Adam to get his peace of mind – and get excited at the same time. Nice contradiction, huh? _Fucking confusing_.

At times Tommy’s overwhelmed mind was wondering if Adam put a spell on him for real. After all he knew how much Adam was into astrology, Egypt, mystical cultures and other stuff he didn’t even know what they were about. Tommy laughed nervously on such thoughts, but it wasn’t funny at all, because sometimes it felt so real it was scaring him. The more time they spent together, the more Tommy got under that spell… the more he could feel that pull and he wasn’t sure if he was able to resist it much longer – or if he wanted to resist anymore.

“So what now?” he asked himself in the silence of the room as his mind ran his circles around this over and over, hands still resting on his guitar but not moving. No answer came of course – that would’ve been a clear and hilarious sign of insanity, he thought – but in a few minutes Tommy admitted to himself that despite his curiosity and messed up feelings he cannot avoid telling Adam that he can’t risk their friendship… he can’t risk everything they have… It’d be a hard conversation and he felt like chickening out as he tried to listen to his rational brain instead of his heart, but that was the right, the clever decision to make. He can’t lead Adam on, he can’t freeze him out like this, he can’t risk him starting to hate Tommy and direct his light towards someone else. He felt like a pathetic attention whore, but Adam made him like that. His eyes rounded as he realized that he was addicted to the man and he just couldn’t risk losing him over something like this. As he stood up and headed for the door – not caring about the time – he was just hoping that he wasn’t too late. That the damage he’d already done could be fixed somehow and the singer wouldn’t kick him out of his life after that conversation. Choked up, barely breathing and with a heavy heart he found himself in front of Adam’s door and he knocked to tell him his decision that would surely break Adam’s heart a little, but was the right decision to make.

 

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
06/04/2014


	6. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letting go someone is one of the hardest things in life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sixth part of my “Beam of Light series”.  
>  **Recommended song:** Hurts – Stay (Quotations are obviously from that song.)

  
_Full size[HERE](http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/101/f/4/stay_by_useless_girl-d7e1iik.jpg)_

 

**Stay**

 

_“My whole life waiting for the right time_   
_To tell you how I feel._   
_Know I try to tell you that I need you._   
_Here I am without you._   
_I feel so lost but what can I do?_   
_'Cause I know this love seems real_   
_But I don't know how to feel…”_

Knocking. First he wasn’t sure he heard it right as it was faint and unsure and the sounds of the rain outside nearly completely suppressed it. Adam was laying on his bed in a worn-out T-shirt and some boxers feeling miserable. Again. He was drinking earlier that night too but by now he just had some not so happy buzz and sleep wasn’t an option either since his tired brain didn’t let him. Then there it was: another knock. He checked the time, nearly 3 a.m. He had a pretty good idea who it might be. Getting out of bed he walked to the door bare-footed and took a deep breath before he opened it half way. He was right.

He didn’t say anything as he looked into Tommy’s eyes. What he saw in them only made him feel colder and emptier. He so wanted this conversation to happen earlier. Not now. Not when he knew exactly how it’d go. His world was already shaking and he wasn’t sure he could do this, if he could keep himself together long enough before he’d fall into sharp little pieces.

The silence was dragging out between them as they were just staring at each other. It was unfair how Tommy could look so absolutely fucking gorgeous even in this situation. Fucking unfair. Adam’s heart sank some more, the previous emptiness getting filled with his torn emotions. Fuck, he was a mess. But he tried not to show anything on his face as he fully opened the door and walked back into the room defeated. Maybe he was a masochist for wanting to hear Tommy say those dismissing words.

“You are leaving me” he said once he was sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs. It was more like a statement. He had no doubts about it. But what was he saying? You cannot lose something you never had, right? _Right_.

“What? N-no…” Tommy said. He sounded tired and scared, fragile even. Adam didn’t look at him but he could _feel_ his frown and stare. He knew how he looked like with the black circles under his eyes, the messy hair, the stubble and the bloodshot eyes, but he didn’t care. He wanted to get over with this.

“No? Then tell me why have you finally decided to show up?” he said nearly coldly. His usual warm radiant self long lost and there was no guarantee he’d ever find his way back to that. Pretending on stage that everything was fine was okay though. It was his job after all. People came to see him sing his soul out and have a good time. No one wanted to see the depressed freak underneath.

Tommy wanted to start talking, but no words came out of his mouth so he closed it for a few moments to gather up some courage and feel less like a pathetic fuck. Seeing Adam like this because of him was killing him and he could blame only himself for overshadowing that bright sun that the singer was. He stole his light and warmth – or at least that’s how Tommy felt in that moment. _What a strange thought_ , he thought to himself while trying to find the right words. He thought it’d go a little easier, but he was clearly wrong. “I wanted to tell that… it was a mistake…” he finally said after a couple of minutes and the painful flinch on Adam’s face and the way his whole body went rigid told Tommy that he misunderstood.

“Thought so” he said so cold and hard that for a second Tommy couldn’t recognize Adam’s voice. He never heard him talk like that.

“No, it’s not like that… it was a mistake because it made you miserable and I’m truly sorry for that…” he trailed off at the end unsure. He was never a man of words and expressing himself in situations like this was always fucking hard. Especially when it was about someone so important like Adam. Scratch that, there was no one else as important in his life as Adam.

“Yeah, well… the damage is done” he said still not looking at Tommy. If he did, he feared he’d fall apart.

“Don’t… just don’t be this sarcastic.”

“Oh really? Then what do you think, how should I act, hm?!” the singer suddenly snapped, anger flaring in his eyes as he finally looked at Tommy, his whole body visibly shaking and ready to jump up from the armchair. “Which Adam do you want me to be for you now? The understanding? The angry? The cheerful? The goofy? The one who always tries to please you and tolerate all your shit? Your distance? Your damned curiosity? The way you are toying with my feelings? Which one?! You know that I always gave you what you wanted – friendship, a shoulder to cry on, my fucking _love_ and yet here we are! After three weeks of avoiding me you finally decide to come here to tell me I’m not what you want, I’m not enough, I’m not what you imagined for yourself and you expect me not to be sarcastic or upset… Just… _fuck you_ , Tommy! I don’t need this. You know nothing about… this or me! Absolutely nothing!” he shouted at the end. At some point he got up and started pacing the room as anger flooded his mind, his shadow self fuelling it as it was hurting too. But when he finished he stopped in front of a window, watching the rain run down on the pane, arms folded in front of his chest and now the anger suddenly left him and it became hard even to breathe and stand there. “I’m so tired… so tired of this” he whispered loud enough for Tommy to hear “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t love you like this when you clearly doesn’t want me that way. I just… can’t. It’s destroying me, Tommy. I can’t breathe. I’m in love with you so fucking much you are killing me. If you want to go, go now” he pressed his eyes shut, not wanting the damned tears to escape again and he was finally able to shut up. He was open and vulnerable enough at the moment. Even if every fiber in him was shouting ‘stay,’ he had to hold on to the last piece of his soul to stay himself. He couldn’t let Tommy take that with him too.

_“Alright, everything is alright_   
_Since you came along_   
_And before you_   
_I had nowhere to run to_   
_Nothing to hold on to_   
_I came so close to giving it up._   
_And I wonder if you know_   
_How it feels to let you go?”_

Tommy was staring at Adam frozen to the spot. First he got angry too but that quickly turned into shame as the singer was right. “I know I royally fucked up…” he uttered and he sounded pained as he chocked on the words. His fingers were fidgeting restlessly as Tommy didn’t know what to do with himself. “I’m a selfish bastard” he nodded although he knew Adam couldn’t see him “and I’m so fucking sorry, man. I didn’t want this to turn into something like this. I just… needed some time. And it’s a lame excuse, I know. Especially that I avoided you like this… without any explanation. I was… scared shitless” he confessed and had to swallow hard as he stood too, but stayed there, not daring to move closer. Not sure if he had the right anymore. “Not enough? You were never like that to me. On the contrary… you were too fucking _much_. Can’t you feel that you overwhelm me? You are like a fucking supernova and I turn into ash in your heat. I lose all control over myself and that terrifies me…” he trailed off and bit his lip, wiping his sweaty palms in his torn jeans.

Adam raised a brow as he forced himself to turn around, his expression unreadable. His ever-changing eyes looked black in the half-lit room and the way they moved told Tommy to go on.

“You know I need my space… that I need to be in my own world when the touring gets too much, when people get too much… that’s the only way I know to make sure I stay myself. And…”

“And?”

“… ever since I know you, ever since we got close I knew you’d be trouble, danger to me… because you melted away all my defenses so easily I could only stand there unable to do anything against it. Adam… if you don’t know that I’d do fucking _anything_ for you then _you_ don’t know me. I had such a shitty life before you came along and you know I’m grateful because I owe you fuckin’ everything…” he confessed barely audible and as he suddenly found the pattern in the carpet so very fascinating he wished he knew how to stop the flood of words now. Things weren’t going as planned. “And I don’t want… I just can’t lose what we have. Your friendship… that special thing that’s going on between us. You have to feel it too. Tell me you feel it too… that pull… or is it just me who needs to be around you?” he asked unsure all of a sudden.

Adam watched the way Tommy hid behind his hair, avoiding his gaze, shoulders slumped as he bared his soul to the singer for the first time. Of course they had deep conversations before but not like this. He never saw Tommy this vulnerable and desperate to make Adam see his point. And although Adam understood his confusion he couldn’t think clearly from the pain he felt. “You have no idea how much I can feel it.”

“Then you know how much… I need you. I can’t let you go. I can’t leave you. I was just hoping that despite the mess I made… despite of what I did to you… you wouldn’t push me away. That you wouldn’t hate my guts. You know how much I dread change…” he whispered and finally glimpsed up at Adam, the intense stare burning holes into his very soul. He couldn’t be sure if he used the right words, if he was clear enough, if he should do this at all.

Adam ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. He knew Tommy would be his death one day. Maybe it was that day. He felt like they were in a stalemate and he didn’t know what to do or say. “This is so fucked up…” he muttered and went to the couch to sit down and stare in front of him, not sure if he could go back to where they were before the shit hit the fan.

“Say something… please” Tommy asked and slowly walked to Adam, sitting down on the other end of the couch. His whole stance showed that he was ready to jump up and bolt in any second.

“I’m not sure I can pretend that nothing happened. I don’t know anything anymore.”

“I’m not asking for that… Please, just don’t send me away… It’d kill me.”

_“So change your mind_   
_And say you're mine._   
_Don't leave tonight_   
_Stay…”_

Adam tried to focus on breathing as he wanted to say so many things. “You think it won’t do the same to me if you stayed?”

“Adam…”

“What am I to you, Tommy Joe?” he suddenly looked at him, his expression hard again.

“You…” Tommy started but he shut his mouth. It was the million dollar question he’s been trying to find an answer to. “To be honest, I don’t know…” he shook his head staring at his own restless hands. He had to hold them down to stop the shaking. This was affecting him far more than he thought it would.

“Do you love me?” Adam asked on a neutral voice that just hurt Tommy more.

“Of course…”

“Just as a friend, I suppose.”

“It’s complicated… I don’t have a word for you. You are… more than a friend.”

“But not enough to want me otherwise. I get it” he chuckled dryly “Before I met you I swore to myself that I won’t fall for a straight guy ever again. I’m fucked.”

“Adam…”

“No Tommy, I don’t need your excuses or your pity. You made your point clear.”

“Adam, just…”

“So what do you want me to do now? Keep you close yet so far and treat you like a friend?”

“Adam just shut the fuck up and let me talk!” Tommy snapped all of a sudden. Seeing Adam’s jaw clench he clearly took him by surprise. When he saw the singer’s nod Tommy sighed bitterly “I have no fucking idea how we can get through this. Hell, I don’t fucking know what I am feeling or what I want! I only know that I have to be close to you. There’s something in you that pulls me in and as cheesy it might sound, I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. I’m like a fucking junkie who’s shaking for his fix when you are away from me. _Can’t you see?_ And everything that’d happened… it just made things worse… more confusing. I don’t know what to think or feel. Usually I can deal with such things when I pull away, but these three miserable weeks only made me realize that I’m not as straight as I thought I was. That… I loved what we did, but I… I can’t risk what we have for something so uncertain. And no, it’s not you who makes it uncertain. It’s me. I’m just as confused.”

“So this is it then? Your final word?” he had to ask as he searched Tommy’s face and what he saw there just broke his heart more. His mind went blank with the sheer pain he felt from it.

“I… guess” he said so unsure, but Adam didn’t help to see any clearer either.

“Go then. I won’t be your guinea pig in the future… and I can’t promise that I’ll act the same way around you. At least for a while. You made your point, Tommy” he said feeling powerless and at the brink of falling apart but he wasn’t going to do that in front of the bottle blond. Hell no. “I’ll need some time.”

“S-sure…” Tommy swallowed hard watching Adam’s face overshadowed by his pain and it twisted the guitarist’s insides but he couldn’t say or do anything at the moment to make it better. He could practically see as Adam closed up, bottling up everything inside him and emitting coldness instead of the usual warmth.

“Go. _Now_ ” Adam gritted through his teeth, yanking Tommy back from his thoughts and now he felt the urge to bolt, to get as far as possible from this stranger who was nothing like the Adam he knew.

“Okay and… I'm sorry…” he added and quickly walked to the door. He hesitated for a second, hand on the doorknob. He wanted to say something else so he turned around opening his mouth, but what he saw made the words get stuck in his throat. Adam was crying silently as he was staring in front of himself, eyes empty. Fuck… He really broke Adam… Heart beating wildly he got out of there as fast as he could and ran down the corridor as if he could outrun the guilt and self-loath that was following him.

Watching Tommy walk away was the hardest thing Adam had to do in his life and for a brief second he was ready to beg, but the moment passed, the word died and the door closed, leaving him alone. Shattered.

_“You say goodbye in the pouring rain_   
_And I break down as you walk away._   
_Stay, stay…”_

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
11/04/2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I didn't plan it to go this way, but the story took control and as its humble servant I followed its lead, lol. I'll try to update next week at least with one new part. Thank you for the comments and kudos so far, it means a lot :) Usi


	7. I Feel You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When walls break down and two parts of a soul become one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 7th part of my “Beam of Light series”.
> 
>  **Recommended song:** Depeche Mode – I feel you (Quotations are obviously from that song.)

  
_Full size of the picture[HERE](http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/109/3/7/i_feel_you_by_useless_girl-d7f2vk8.jpg)  
_

 

**I Feel You**

 

_“I feel you_   
_Your sun it shines_   
_I feel you_   
_Within my mind_   
_You take me there_   
_You take me where_   
_The kingdom comes_   
_You take me to_   
_And lead me through Babylon…”_

“Oh fuck this!” Tommy groaned frustrated and pressed his mouth roughly against Adam’s, taking the singer clearly by surprise as the bottle blond pushed his tongue past the soft lips. It’s been months since that awful conversation and Tommy was about to lose his mind. He simply needed physical contact with Adam. He had to touch him, kiss him, be near him. These past months were like torture – especially since they were on tour, which meant not having many escape routes. Somehow Adam still managed to avoid Tommy as much as he could and the blond couldn’t blame him. He broke Adam’s heart after all and seeing him so miserable when he let the smiling mask for the outside world slip was killing Tommy. What he feared became reality: Adam kept his distance and directed the now flickering remains of his being towards everyone and anyone else who cared. Not to mention that he only went close to Tommy on stage when he had to because of the show. But no more lingering touches, fooling around or admiring looks. On the rare occasions their eyes met Adam looked at him as if he was a stranger. Either he learned how to hide his emotions like a pro, or he was simply empty. Because of him.

Tommy wasn’t looking much better either. He could barely get a couple of hours of restless sleep at nights. Make up hid the black circles under his eyes just as effectively like for Adam. They barely talked during these months and everyone noticed that of course. No more touching, no more laughing and fooling around off-stage either. They didn’t push though, they settled with the ‘we had some problems’ explanation. Still this whole mess was fucking frustrating and there were times when Tommy wanted to scream at Adam or run far away. He tried to give the singer the time he asked for but nothing was the same anymore. He royally fucked up their friendship or whatever they had. Tommy tried everything he could think of to ease the pain – drinking for a while, closing up in his own world, fucking girls, running to music, watching horror movies, trying to talk to Adam but nothing could really help.

Once Adam started seeing some guy things got worse. He didn’t think that it was anything serious, but the occasional smiles and less pained expression on the singer’s face somehow hurt Tommy. Probably because it wasn’t him who put those smiles on Adam’s worn-out face. He tried to be happy for him and hoped that this meant he was trying to finally move on, but even that thought hurt Tommy deep down. For some reason he felt as if a dagger was twisted in his heart whenever he saw Adam with that guy, when he imagined them fucking, knowing that Adam’s undivided attention was the stranger’s and not his anymore. It was fucked up to say the least since it was Tommy who didn’t want Adam that way. Or so he thought back then. Now… now he wasn’t that sure anymore.

And as weeks turned into months and he saw Adam getting calmer and less depressed Tommy realized that he was jealous. Even if Adam wasn’t doing anything to him and never brought up the topic anymore unintentionally he was still messing with Tommy’s head. The blond spent night after night trying to figure out what he was feeling and what he wanted. The confusion didn’t seem to clear up one bit and it made him edgy and more withdrawn than usual. He tried to go out with the others, do the clubbing thing, let the fans distract him, but he realized that he had no patience for those things. He usually retreated into his room to watch his beloved movies or spent hours practicing on his guitars, or hung around on twitter but none of those things really helped. They were able to distract his fucked up mind only temporarily.

The first time since that discussion he jerked off while thinking of Adam and how he fucked him was the first real hint for Tommy. As the cum was cooling on his stomach and chest his eyes rounded as realization hit him: he was in love with Adam after all. That had to be it because there was no other explanation. That was a few weeks ago and since then he was watching himself and his emotions closely. He didn’t know how this was possible or when did these feelings develop. Maybe they were there all along he just didn’t dare to acknowledge them. At times he was his own worst enemy. It was funny though as he considered himself a good observer, but he couldn’t see something huge like this. And then he thought he was too late.

Each time he saw Adam he couldn’t completely hide the pain and longing in his eyes. And each time the singer was with his fling he was sulking like a five year old. He was slowly driving himself insane, but despite all his flaws he wasn’t someone who’d ruin a relationship or whatever Adam had with that dude. Even if he was fucked up he still had some principles at least.

He couldn’t stop himself from glowing though when the guy disappeared. He had no idea if for good or he just couldn’t tag along longer with the tour. Luckily their band liked to gossip at times and he overheard a conversation from which it became clear that Adam ended it with the guy. It was Tommy’s chance and he had to make his resolve. He had to face his emotions and be completely honest with himself if he really wanted this, if he’d be brave enough to risk it. Although there wasn’t really much left of what he feared of losing. And here he was now, kissing Adam as if there was no tomorrow.

“What the…?” Adam broke the kiss once he got over most of the shock and pushed Tommy back. That move hurt the blond but he could understand the defensive reaction. Nevertheless, the guitarist held on to Adam’s shoulders to stay close.

“I… I’m sorry… for everything. I’ve missed you” he mumbled blushing deep red.

Adam stared at him for a long minute still frowning and stepped out of the range of Tommy’s hands shaking his head. “This isn’t enough. Not this time” he mumbled hearing people rush outside his dressing room where they were standing. It was after a successful and heated show and he wasn’t sure if Tommy wasn’t just too riled up by all that.

“Please… just hear me out” Tommy grabbed Adam’s arm again to stop him from pulling further away.

After so long the singer really looked into his eyes for the first time. This wasn’t just a painful glimpse. It was a searching look and Tommy let him see that he meant it. Finally he nodded and made a gesture with his free hand as if saying ‘go on’.

Tommy took a deep breath and didn’t look away this time. He had to finally man up and knew that he had to give a pretty damn good reason for Adam to reconsider. “I was a fool. A blind fool. I wanted to deny my feelings for you for too fucking long. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready when you bared your soul to me and I crashed it with my insecurities and my inability to decide what I wanted. Since then…” he sighed bitterly as he stroked his bangs out from his face and ran his fingers through his hair that was messy from all the headbanging on stage. “… since then I can’t get you out of my head. Sappy? Maybe. But it’s the truth. I can feel you no matter how distant you are. You’re in my mind and I long to be close to you…” he whispered as it was still so damn hard to talk about his feelings. He wasn’t used to this, but this was the time when he had to fight for something so very important. “I hate myself for hurting you the way I did. I know I played with your feelings like a selfish bastard although I never meant to do so. I truly am sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. The last few months…” he swallowed hard and let Adam see the pain in his shining brown eyes “were like torture as it became clearer and clearer that even if I didn’t want our unique relationship to change it had changed. It became something else, something more and I cannot deny that anymore. Your songs… your looks… the way you talked to me, touched me, loved me… all moved something deep inside me and I realized a lot of things about myself…”

_“I feel you_   
_Each move you make_   
_I feel you_   
_Each breath you take_   
_Where angels sing_   
_And spread their wings_   
_My love's on high_   
_You take me home_   
_To glory's throne_   
_By and by…”_

“Like what?” Adam wanted to know after a few moments as Tommy got lost in collecting his thoughts. The singer’s eyes were glued to him and he was very careful not to let his face give away anything that was running through his head in that moment.

“Like the fact that I am bi. But I already told you this that night when I let you down and broke your heart. The other thing I realized is that I cannot function properly without you anymore. I need you like air. And I was so very… jealous when you were seeing that guy. It surprised me too” he laughed shortly and nervously and shook his head finding it crazy and hilarious at the same time but then he looked back up into Adam’s now grayish-blue eyes that always seemed to change their color for some reason and which Tommy always liked about him “But most importantly I realized that I slowly but surely fell in love with you too…” he whispers at the end “And I want everything with you. I don’t care anymore. I want _you_ , Adam. You were always my exception and you’ll always be. I want you. I need you” he repeated and realized that somewhere along the way his hands fisted around the sweaty black shirt Adam was still wearing since he had no time to change after the show before Tommy ambushed him. But the blond didn’t care, he just needed Adam to let the impenetrable mask slip and let him see how he felt about this. He knew if Adam said no… well, that’d be something he’d highly deserve for being such a dick. But if Adam still had feelings for him and could still see a future together with Tommy then he _had_ to know.

The singer let the silence stretch between them. Not to torture Tommy but to try getting over the shock Tommy’s confession caused. He didn’t think he had heard Tommy talk this long and this deeply about his feelings before so that just added to that shock. Everything Tommy was talking about Adam could feel too. He already knew Tommy was something very special to him and hearing his own feelings and thoughts from the blond’s mouth made the deeply – but apparently poorly – buried feelings explode all over inside. There was hurt, pain, confusion, lust, longing, desperation, love and maybe a little bit of hate too, but as Adam realized this was the biggest turning point in their relationship and not that horrible night months ago, the positive feelings were slowly taking over. The pained and impatient expression made him reach out and cup the pretty face that seemed to get lost between his big hands.

He was helpless. He couldn’t stay angry at Tommy, not after these honest words, not after seeing everything he needed to see in those scared and hopeful brown eyes. His other side was urging him to say something, to accept what he was offered on a silver plate, to feel that connection stronger again… to feel at home after such a long time. And Adam couldn’t argue with him. He leaned in and pressed a feather-light kiss on the soft lips as he inhaled Tommy. Not just his scent, but his energies, his whole being and it resonated through the singer, melting the remains of the walls he put up to protect and hide himself. In that moment he was just as bare as Tommy and it hurt, but it also felt so good. He pulled back enough to be able to look into the blond man’s eyes and let his mask slip, let him see the little shocked smile. “ _This is the morning of our love_ …” he quoted and he knew Tommy would understand.

He was right as relief and happiness lit up the tortured and worried face he was holding and Tommy pressed himself against Adam as if he wanted to hide in his body. As if he wanted to melt into him and they were kissing and hugging hard, desperate and relieved.

The waiting was over. They were finally where they belonged.

_“I feel you_   
_Your precious soul_   
_And I am whole_   
_I feel you_   
_Your rising sun_   
_My kingdom comes…”_

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
19/04/2014


	8. The Line Grows Thin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big secret is out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 8th part of my “Beam of Light series”.  
>  **Recommended song:** London After Midnight – Demon (The title and the quotations are from this song.)

  
Full size of the picture [HERE](http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/110/9/d/the_line_grows_thin_by_useless_girl-d7f7sx0.jpg)

 

**The Line Grows Thin**

 

_“The line grows thin between what's wrong and right_   
_Burning flesh pale as the stars_   
_No one knows just who you are_   
_Drive the knife in deeper to my soul_   
_Velvet touch your mouth on mine_   
_Drunk on lust like drunk on wine_   
_The world will end we'll hear the thunder roll…”_

Adam was lazily running his fingertips on the back of Tommy’s nape. He could feel the goose bumps it caused but he just loved to touch him, to show his affection, to show that he belonged to Adam. He could get quite possessive, especially when everyone wanted a piece of them, from Tommy. The blond gave less credit to himself than he should have. Tommy was beautiful, not just pretty and Adam noticed the nameless mass of people who looked at the blond musician longingly or at times dirtily. The singer had to control himself then. His other side was a jealous bastard who would’ve ripped out everyone’s throat – or at least their eyes – for looking so hungrily at _his Tommy_. And Adam felt the same but still he had to be the rational one about this. Now that they’ve been together for a few weeks he didn’t want to screw it up.

Those who mattered knew about them. They weren’t particularly hiding from the public either, but it wasn’t really their business. Those who knew were all relieved as the balance was back and Sutan for example, voiced his satisfaction over it with a “Fucking finally!” It made them laugh because it was true. Finally he could touch and kiss Tommy whenever and wherever he wanted or felt the urge to do so. And the blond was so very grateful for the signs of Adam’s affection after those painful months spent apart.

They were still working things out between them. They had some much needed long talks after the even longer fuckfests. They agreed to be honest with each other and not hide anymore what was going on inside of them. It took time of course to open up like that. Both carried wounds and baggage they weren’t proud of or weren’t so keen to share. But they were getting there. Most was already discussed and Adam was so happy that Tommy’s resolve of loving him freely never seemed to waver since that declaration of love in that shady dressing room.

Tommy was much more than what Adam could wish for. He was perfect in his eyes and he couldn’t bear to be away from him for more than a couple of days when he had to show up at places, do interviews or whatever his job demanded him. Sometimes he took Tommy with him, sometimes the guitarist surprised him with going after him. It seemed he felt the same about this and it only made Adam fall harder for him.

At times Adam was a little unsure but not about his feelings for each other. No, the reason was rooted in Tommy’s bisexuality. But when Adam once brought it up that he wasn’t sure he’d be enough for Tommy on the long run, the guitarist reassured him that he’d tell him if he needed the company of a woman. Adam thought that it was just fair like that, although despite the fact that Tommy didn’t seem to want anyone else for now, Adam wanted him to have everything to be happy. Even if it meant to let him fuck some pretty ladies at some point in the future. He could maybe even join, experiment a little. It’s not like he hadn’t tried out this and that with the other sex in the past. As their love deepened, Adam’s fear of losing Tommy over a woman slowly faded away, because deep down he and his shadow self knew he’d always come back to them.

_“Don't even say it_   
_Don't even look away_   
_Haunted by, haunted by_   
_Black winged angel come to me_   
_release my soul from this misery…”_

Yeah well, Adam tried to keep himself to the honesty part the best he could, but still there was his biggest secret to share. He’s been thinking about how to tell Tommy about the Other. Would he freak out? Would he break up with him? Would he think Adam was insane? The risk of losing Tommy again terrified Adam, so he had to make sure he found the right moment. It wasn’t easy. And the option of keeping this from Tommy was dismissed by him. He knew sooner or later he’d slip, he’d lose control and he wanted Tommy to know why he might do or say certain things to him in and outside the bed. He knew his lover didn’t really like surprises and this certainly would qualify as one.

So far this night seemed to be the best opportunity to confess his darkest secret. It was one of the nights off in between shows. Towards the end of the tour there were more such days as everyone was getting a little tired, a little homesick and maybe even a little fed up. Constantly being around people, being on the move and being exposed to the press, fans, the audience – even if usually its energy was amazing – could get exhausting and too much at times. Adam loved what he was doing but he was glad that they’d head home soon. He wanted to focus on this new relationship. He wanted to make it work just as much as Tommy.

Now they were watching one of Tommy’s horror/thriller/romance movies. _Wolf_ with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer of all the movies. What else of course? When Tommy picked it and persuaded Adam to watch it with him in exchange of a blow job and some other dirty things the singer can do to him afterwards, Adam wanted to laugh hysterically. And not because he found the promise funny, but because of the irony of the situation. Probably Tommy thought he was tense because he never liked watching horror movies in the first place. He tried it a few times and he squealed like a little girl to make everyone think he was just too soft-hearted for such scary stuff, but that wasn’t the real reason why he didn’t like horror films. The biggest part of not liking them was that a lot of the characters that appeared in those stories reminded him on his shadow self. Of what might happen if he ever completely loses control over it. Of course he wouldn’t seriously harm anyone. Probably… But he didn’t want to risk it and didn’t like to be reminded of how different he really was from others. But he had to share this at least with Tommy. The man who was his best friend, whom he loved more than anyone. And who meant _home_ to both him and the Other. He couldn’t really figure out yet what this latter meant, but it was one of the things he just knew. He could feel it in his guts. Tommy deserved to know what he got himself into.

“So… you like monsters, huh?” he asked after the movie was over but they were still cuddling on Adam’s bed in the current hotel room, wearing sweatpants and T-shirts.

Tommy snorted still resting his head on Adam’s chest “Good job, Sherlock.”

“Okay, it was obvious from the start…” he paused taking a deep breath “I was just wondering how you would react if some of that stuff were real…”

“What kind of stuff? It’d be rad, by the way” he said nearly purring as he nuzzled closer to Adam, drawing lazy circles on the flat stomach through the fabric of the tee.

“Dunno… if it turned out that some people are more than average humans. Would you think they were insane and should be medicated or you’d believe them?”

“If they had proof, I’d believe them, I think. But where is this coming from all of a sudden?” he asked careful as he turned his head and rested his chin on the back of his hand which was drawing the circles until now. The intense brown gaze told Adam that Tommy knew him well enough to sense that there was more to this than just curiosity for the topic.

“Well… you remember we agreed on being honest with each other, right?” he asked and waited until Tommy nodded “The thing is that I have one more secret to share with you. It’s the biggest and I really haven’t told this to anyone before…” he trailed off just when Tommy was about to cut in.

“I knew it! You really are an alien from some sex god planet!” he exclaimed, clearly trying to ease Adam up a bit and the singer was very grateful for that while he giggled and gently pulled Tommy’s bangs.

“No, you silly! Or maybe… I don’t know…” he mused for a second, seeing that Tommy was watching him intently.

“Tell me. I promise I won’t leave a Tommy-shaped hole in the door” he smiled reassuringly at Adam clearly seeing that it was hard for the singer to share this. “I fought hard to have you. I’m sure nothing you are about to say would scare me off” he confessed and it seemed these were the words Adam was waiting for even if he felt a little doubt.

“You know that I’ve always felt different but being gay, singing, loving dressing up and glitter was just a part of the reason why I felt that way. There’s something else. I believe everyone has a darker side and there isn’t a clear line between black and white, wrong and right…. Well, I… experienced this duality in me a bit stronger than the rest. Remember my ‘Better than I know myself’ video and how much you loved the idea of the two Adams?”

“Sure. It was pretty awesome.”

“What if I told you that it was all true? That I really have a darker side? Another personality that’s very much like the dark Adam in that video?” he asked and bit his lip now that the big secret was out in the open. “I… I have proof too, if you want that” he added desperately trying not to sound like someone who’d need a straight-jacket.

He watched as Tommy was blinking at him with huge brown eyes, but instead of fear he was half-expecting there, excitement and curiosity lit them up as he quickly sat up and pulled his legs under him, resting his fists on his knees like a little boy who was about to get his Christmas present. This guy could still blow Adam’s mind with his unpredictable reactions. He surely could keep Adam on his toes.

“You want to meet him?” Adam swallowed hard as he sat up too, propping his back against the pillows without breaking the eye-contact.

“Hell yeah!” Tommy nodded eagerly.

“You are… something else” Adam shook his head in disbelief but a small smile was playing in the corner of his lips as he finally nodded. “Alright. Just don’t freak out. Neither of us will hurt you. He likes you a lot. You have no idea what a pain in the ass he was while we were apart” he said deciding to talk Tommy through this in hope that the changes won’t frighten him this way. Adam knew Tommy liked a good scare which made him feel more alive. That was part of the reason he was so much hooked on horror movies. While talking he already felt his other side push closer to the surface, making his clear blue eyes change darker and darker until it was a nearly black shade of grey. The Other was eager to meet Tommy face to face, his presence laced into Adam’s words too as his voice became a little hoarser and his body heated up as he gave off a stronger presence. “The Other’s been with me since I was a kid but made his presence clear when I reached my teens. Maybe you could take a few glimpses of him on stage or in bed when my control slipped…”

“I… yes, I’ve seen him before…” Tommy found his voice amazed by the changes going on in front of his very eyes. Clearly he didn’t think Adam was nuts and the singer relaxed a little. He wasn’t trying to hold on to his self-control so strong anymore. It somewhat calmed the Other too who was staring back at Tommy interested, grey eyes nearly glowing silvery, like a fox’s or a wolf’s, yet there was still something very human about him.

Adam stayed silent and nodded, feeling the Other pleased by Tommy’s reaction. They watched the pretty blond scoot closer and reach out with his hands.

“Can I?” Tommy asked hesitating for only a second and waited until the singer nodded again. He felt the slightly cooler hands cup his face as he leaned closer and examined the strange eyes “Beautiful” he sighed and it made Adam’s heart beat faster. “Are you like… possessed by him or he is rather a part of you? Like with a werewolf?” he asked clearly not having a better concept at the moment of what he was seeing and what he already knew about Adam and his shadow self. To his surprise Tommy wasn’t afraid at all and he was sure somehow that the Other’d have sensed it if he was. He had no idea how he knew these things but he just had a gut feeling about it.

“A part of me. I don’t know much about him just that he’s instinct-led, wild at times… possessive about you and fucking jealous when someone touches or looks at you inappropriately” he chuckled hoarsely followed by a quiet growl which made Tommy’s slender fingers twitch on Adam’s face, but it was still not fear. Rather surprise. “I let him out more on stage. He helped me in his own way during these years and now… now I trust him more and hating my difference less…”

“This explains a lot. He took over on the AMAs and a lot of times on stage too, huh? All that raw energy… that heat… my sun… It’s him…” Tommy looked amazed by the realization “And we’ll find out more about him” he promised.

“Most of it, yes… and thank you” Adam agreed and without thinking he put his tattooed arms around Tommy to pull him on his lap. Of course it was the Other’s doing now that he had more control, but Adam didn’t mind the closeness either. As Tommy was straddling his lap over the blanket now Adam let a hand trace the blond’s spine and the other slide on his nape to hold him close, their noses nearly touching. “You are not afraid.”

“No, I’m not. Should I?” he raised a brow cockily and rubbed his thumbs against Adam’s freckled cheeks.

“To be honest? I don’t know for sure. But I can feel that he wouldn’t hurt you. He is attracted to you, as I said. Interested even. You are the first who made us feel like this.”

“Like what?” Tommy whispered rubbing their noses together.

“Like we are at home when we are with you. Does this make any sense?”

“Yes, it makes perfect sense. Because I feel like that with you two too” he breathed on Adam’s lips, his body sliding closer to him on his own as the pull got irresistible.

“Really? You won’t leave us? You can love me like this too? You can love us both?” he wanted to know already feeling himself weaker from the power this amazing man had over him. He couldn’t believe he got this lucky.

“I won’t leave. I’m here to stay. I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of him. He’s a part of you. He makes you… well, you. The man I fell in love with head over creepers” he giggled as if he was already high from the warmth Adam radiated. It felt like a warm blanket that was wrapped tightly around his body and it was calming and exciting at the same time. He wanted to completely get lost in it. “I can love you both. I already do. Thank you for sharing this with me” he breathed and licked Adam’s bottom lip. He knew this presence. It felt so familiar and he wanted to know more, taste more, get closer than he already was. His body was moving on its own will, grinding and pressing against the beloved man and he shivered wildly as the warm hand slid under his T-shirt by his back and slowly traced every vertebra.

“You are… perfect” he heard the Other say in unison with Adam as Tommy got lost in that dark-grey look. He wanted to say something, but instead moaned into the fierce and rough kiss he got, his body arching against Adam like a bow. As if it was waiting for this since the second he set eyes on this fine man. His body was a traitor but his melting mind wasn’t better and Tommy let himself be conquered by this special man and this new knowledge about him.

He knew it was just the beginning of something even deeper.

 

_“In the candle light you'll see_   
_Just what all this means to me_   
_The line grows thin between what's wrong and right…”_

 

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
19/04/2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my happy Easter gift :) Thank you all for the kudos and comments again! I appreciate them a lot! <3


	9. Beg For Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where both Adam and Tommy experience something very special and rare...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 9th part of my “Beam of Light series”.  
>  **Recommended song:** Adam Lambert – Beg for mercy (The title and the quotations are from that song.)

  
Full size of the picture [HERE ](http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/112/0/0/beg_for_mercy_by_useless_girl-d7fihik.jpg)

 

**Beg For Mercy**

 

_“The stars collide_   
_They fall to earth alive_   
_As my hunger hides_   
_Desires that are burning…”_   


“Are you sure?” Adam whispered into Tommy’s ear, resting his naked body on top of the blond’s back.

Adam’s concern made Tommy smile with closed eyes as he rested his flushed cheek against a small pillow. He loved the way Adam’s bigger body radiated that heat he went nuts for each time he could feel it. He was so warm that sometimes Tommy was afraid he’d burn him until he turned into ash. And maybe, like now, that was exactly what he needed. “Yes. I trust you. Both of you…” he breathed with no hint of doubt.

Adam still had some but he trusted Tommy just the same. All was about trust, right? They’ve played in bed where Tommy subbed for him before and even let Adam tie him up, but never before did the guitarist ask Adam to fuck him while the shadow self was fully there too. Adam was a little nervous but before he could’ve talked himself out of it he felt Tommy brush his fine little ass against his hard dick and it was the distraction he needed to take the next step. “Alright. Just in case… you know your safe word, right?”

“Yes. Trespassing” Tommy nodded, eyes still closed and so ready for this. He felt Adam climb off him and the loss of warmth made him moan disapprovingly. He opened his eyes and peeked over his shoulder, arching his back to make his ass inviting. He knew how much the singer liked this sight and he used it against him shamelessly to get what he wanted. And what he wanted now was both of _them_.

“Do you have any idea what you do to us when you offer yourself up like this?” Adam asked, his voice already hoarser as his shadow self was invited to their small gathering. The singer could feel how excited the Other was. He wanted to prove too that he was worth of Tommy’s trust. It made Adam smile briefly as he climbed back on the bed with the ropes and the lube. Tommy knew how to push his buttons. He ran a big hand down on Tommy’s smooth and pale back to his ass. “So willing… so ready for more… Gorgeous… You want more, don’t you?”

“I want it all!” he already panted from the soft touches, cock filling underneath.

“So greedy… we love that” Adam said in unison with the shadow self whose glowing grey eyes were eating up Tommy alive. As their gazes met Tommy gasped and shook in anticipation. They’ve talked about this before they started anything. Tommy knew that Adam could get carried away as he never tried this with anyone before, but Tommy reassured him of his complete trust and willingness to try it out. He agreed to the fact that probably he was about to get fucked harder than ever before, but Adam knew that Tommy loved… needed pain during sex. That was another thing that made him feel alive. And Adam was curious if Tommy would completely surrender to their will this time. He came close to that before, but never completely. He wanted to make Tommy reach that point where he’d melt and just feel and take what he gets.

Tommy let him tie his wrists to the bedposts and Adam smirked seeing him already grabbing the rails. Adam opened Tommy’s legs as wide as he could and just knelt between them, enjoying the sight. “So beautiful and hot…” he sighed hoarsely and ran his hands down on Tommy’s back, ass and thighs. He repeated it but this time he added some nail to it too, making Tommy moan and shiver and leaving pink scratch marks on the sensitive skin. Adam loved to play with Tommy’s senses and he knew this was going to be a long night before they reach their release.

“We’re gonna make you beg for mercy…” he whispered into Tommy’s ear after a few minutes and he chuckled low from the needy moan he got in response. Adam kissed, bit and licked his way down on the narrow back until he was lying between the opened legs and he pulled Tommy’s cheeks apart to expose the small pink hole. He growled hungrily and flicked his tongue around it, making Tommy squirm and groan. The singer used his big hands to hold him down and continue rimming him with his skilled tongue. He could feel the burning need of the Other to take over and he promised to the shadow self that he’d have his chance very soon.

Tommy felt as if his brain and body were already melting. A few touches and dirty comments were enough for him to reach this state. He wasn’t fighting it anymore. He thought he was a fool for ever trying, for ever fearing of losing all the control over himself. Because this was just so damn good. He trusted and loved both sides of Adam and he wanted to show this to them in any way he could. He knew that this was a very special occasion with a very special man. An experiment even, to see if he could completely give himself to them. Tommy was nearly completely sure that he could. He was ready. And he wanted to get there as soon as possible. So he started begging for more.

_“Ready to land_   
_I shall overcome_   
_And when you're numb_   
_A deeper breath goes out…”_

Those begging words were stirring up something very deep inside Adam and the Other. They both basked in them and the writhing body underneath. Tommy was breathtaking as he squirmed and tried to get closer, create more friction, his tied up body open and ready for whatever might come. The desire and the need made Adam’s vision blurry and bit by bit he slowly gave control over to his shadow self as he was lubing up his leaking cock some more.

The moment he was fully sheathed in the tight hotness of Tommy’s body, he let out a loud animalistic groan. It was heaven on earth. They both obeyed to the pull and while one was giving shelter, the other was melting into what was offered to him… them. It was perfect. They were perfect as they moved together. Tommy’s moans and quiet pleas were just as intoxicating as his pale body.

_“The strength inside_   
_The lightning and the thunder_   
_Taking shape won't hide_   
_Enlightening you to wonder_   
_The heart, the pulse_   
_Is racing towards the line_   
_As every beat and sound_   
_Go tricklin' down the vine…”_

“Bite me… bite me already. Hard!” Tommy tugged on his restraints wanting to completely bend to their will. He wanted to become one with them – whatever that meant – even more than he already was. He knew he was offering everything he had and Adam and his shadow self had to feel it too. He only got a low growl and a harder thrust before he could feel teeth sinking into his shoulder. It hurt. It hurt very badly but it was good. It made his mind numb and Tommy couldn’t follow what he was babbling anymore. Maybe he asked him to stop, maybe he asked for more. Probably for more. In the back of his mind that was still functioning he knew he was being marked, that he was becoming the Other’s too and he welcomed the feeling, welcomed the heat that made his body shake and sweat and beg for more. There were no boundaries, no doubts, no rational thoughts anymore, just pure instincts and overwhelming emotions and he just took them, sucked it all into his small frame like a sponge. He was falling apart under this wonderful creature’s attention and love and it was too much but not yet enough. They needed release to seal whatever they were doing. Tommy had no words to what was going on between them at the moment but it felt so damn good and this wasn’t the time to think about it anyway.

“Please… please make me cum…” he panted, eyes rolling back in his head as Adam bit him again and fisted a hand in his hair. It was nearly too much for his over-stimulated body that was shivering and with each hard thrust and bite he felt as if his very soul was shaking like a leaf too. “Pleasepleaseplease…”

“Oh god…” Adam panted on the wound and let Tommy’s wet hair go to pull him up enough and grab the leaking cock underneath, moving his hand firmly and fast on it as he circled his hips then returned to his merciless pounding.

Tommy screamed from both the touch and the hard thrusting right against his prostate, the heat and tension becoming unbearable in his rapture and just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore his mind went blank and the blinding white heat wiped everything away. The blood drumming in his ears made it impossible for him to hear just how loud he was screaming his pleasure as his body was clamping down hard on the leaking cock that kept him open with its rough hammering. “Please… I can’t… please. Too much…” he whined still high and oversensitive, when something wonderful happened in the next moment. Adam was right there, filling him up and roaring like a wounded animal and Tommy just completely broke, his liquefied insides melting into one with Adam. It was so strange, so overwhelming, so burning and so good… so so good that tears found their way from under his lids as he melted into the warm light with Adam.

Now they knew what feeling _home_ really felt like.

 

_“We rule the sun  
We rule the sun…”_

 

 

By: Useless-girl  
21/04/2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you for the "Trespassing" safe word for an RP friend. Love you hon! ;) <3


	10. The Safest Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes happiness doesn't come easy, but when everything falls into its place, the feeling can be overwhelming...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 10th part of my “Beam of Light series”.  
>  **Recommended song:** Sade – The Safest Place (The title and the quotations are from that song.)

  
Full size of the picture [HERE](http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/114/0/4/the_safest_place_by_useless_girl-d7fsp4r.jpg)

 

**The Safest Place**

 

_“In my heart_   
_Your love has found_   
_The safest hiding place_   
_Inside is a field_   
_And trees and a lake_   
_Around is a wall_   
_No-one from hell could break…”_

Adam was lying on his side, head propped on his palm as his other hand was gently caressing Tommy’s naked back. His fingertips barely touched the white skin as he didn’t want to disturb his lover’s sleep. He knew that even if the guitarist’s insomnia got better since they were together, he still slept with difficulty. And besides he wanted to just enjoy the quiet and peaceful moments. It was far from dawn but the singer just couldn’t sleep from all the thoughts and emotions lazily swirling inside of him. He didn’t mind though. Sometimes he just liked to watch the blond sleep like this while he was thinking and feeling. He didn’t give a damn if it was a cliché. It made him satisfied knowing that Tommy was finally his. _Ours_.

Right. Adam knew that his shadow self too was satisfied with the turn of events and how Tommy reacted to him. The singer could never feel the Other this calm and cooperative before. Now he was less pushy and demanding because he knew that the one they wanted was theirs. Tommy loved _them_. And it was still kinda unbelievable to Adam. Sometimes he was afraid that it was just a dream and he’d wake up or Tommy’d change his mind and leave them. But the bottle blond seemed genuinely happy with both sides of Adam.

_“In there you'll shine_   
_In there you will cry_   
_My heart has been a lonely warrior_   
_Who's been to war_   
_So you can be sure_   
_In my heart your love has found_   
_The safest hiding place…”_

After all those long years keeping this to himself Adam gave up hope to find someone who’d be like this with him. Who’d accept him the way he was and wouldn’t want to change him into an image he was not. On Tommy’s side he could be himself. He only regretted that he let their insecurities keep them from getting here faster. But maybe it was with a reason. Adam never believed in coincidences so that had to be the explanation. The road was bumpy and painful but now here they were, lying in each other’s arms, in the safe bubble of their small world where they could bare their souls in front of the other. No masks, no doubts, just pure trust and love that was burning so bright sometimes that it blinded Adam and made him feel as if his flesh was burning off his bones. But it was so worth it.

Tommy was perfect. Adam never really understood how the blond couldn’t see that. But the singer loved him with his imperfections that came from his closed up nature. He didn’t mind that at times it was hard for the blond to open up and talk or show his emotions, he didn’t mind that he needed his space. Since they’ve got back from touring and Tommy practically moved in with Adam that wasn’t an issue anymore either, because Adam let Tommy lock himself up in the music room with his guitars for hours while he was going to interviews or meet up with friends and other people.

They were different but had a lot in common and it all just worked out, kept things interesting. He could never be sure what the pretty blond would say or do. The only thing he never ever doubted now was the deep love and connection they shared. He loved the calmness Tommy radiated and made sure that Adam didn’t burn himself to ashes. He loved to watch Tommy go pliant in his arms and under his kisses. He loved the comfortable silence between them that could last for hours while they were doing their own things. He loved how cute Tommy looked in his bigger sleeping clothes (when he had them on) and with his messy hair in the mornings. He loved making coffee for him. He loved the desire and love in his eyes when he looked at Adam. He loved the way he moaned Adam’s name. He loved all the small things he’d noticed about him since they were living together. They both gained a lot from this love – but most importantly they balanced each other. A lot of times when Adam was watching Tommy sleeping like this, he thought of him like his other half. What else could be the explanation to what they had?

Of course it wasn’t always moonlight and roses and at the beginning they needed some patience and time to get used to living with each other for real. Because it wasn’t like on a tour bus or hotel rooms anymore. No, it was much more. They weren’t fooling around anymore, they both were deadly serious about their relationship. It sometimes still amazed Adam how Tommy got over the fear of committing himself. The singer knew though that it was mainly because the blond’s previous relationships never worked out in the end because his partners didn’t figure him out – or at least didn’t understand his needs. Adam didn’t think that he’d figured Tommy out. No, there were still plenty to discover about him and the singer was taking his time. Because now they had time and they didn’t have to hide anymore either.

Everyone knew about them by now. Even the public. The reactions were mixed, but they didn’t expect anything else. They always knew there were people who supported them (even before they realized their own feelings for each other) and those who simply hated them for different reasons. Haters will hate, right? Not that they cared about such narrow-minded people. Not when what they felt for each other felt so real and deep. No one could touch that. Adam knew that he often acted like a love-struck fool, but he didn’t mind. Really, he was on cloud nine. Especially because Tommy was the only one who knew all about Adam and he accepted it. He loved him unconditionally and what would be a better reason to feel like this?

And he could never be grateful enough for that. And for staying with him through thick and thin, for coming over his fears, for always standing by his side (apart from those few painful months, of course) and for loving the Other too. He treasured Tommy’s love as if it was a fragile flower. He took care of it and let it bloom. It was his most valued possession. His career, his fame, the fans, the band, not even the music or his own voice could compete with it anymore. Adam couldn’t help himself, he had to lean to Tommy’s ear and softly sing in it:

_“Your love's in a sacred place_   
_The safest hiding place_   
_My heart has been a lonely warrior before_   
_Who's been to war_   
_So you can be sure…”_

He pressed a soft kiss against Tommy’s shoulder and the blush he saw made him smile. He heard him. Adam watched as his pretty man opened those soft brown eyes and smiled at him radiantly as he looked back over his shoulder. That smile right there was worth everything to Adam.

His soul was whole again.

 

 

**The End**

 

  

By: Useless-girl  
24/04/2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note1:** First of all, thank you for everyone who took the time to read this series and left kudos and comments. It means a lot!  <3
> 
>  **Note2:** I hope you liked the ending too. I've decided to give them some sweetness after all the dark moments, because they deserve to be happy. :3
> 
>  **Note3:** And of course thank you for my friends who inspired and supported me. I owe you a lot and hope that you'll join me like this during the future stories I already have in mind, too ;) Love you all!  <3


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